Sander Sides One Shots-DISCONTINUED

Merciless Thoughts-Logicality

//TW: Self deprecating thoughts

Logan took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself as he paced his room, gripping the knife's handle tightly.

'They hate you.'

'None of them love you.'

'It's all an act.'

'You're the least favorite and you know it.'

'Why do you even try? It's pointless.'

'You're useless.'

'Thomas doesn't need you. None of them do.'

He growled and whipped around, throwing the knife at the wall with all the strength he possessed. It implanted itself hilt deep in the wall, right next to a Sherlock poster, giving a satisfyingly loud thud.

He grimaced, flexing his fingers in and out, in and out. He could hear footsteps walking through the hall, nearing his room.

"Logan?" Patton called. Logan heard the footsteps stop just outside his door, and a soft knocking followed promptly.

"Everything's okay, Patton. I just threw a dagger at the wall, nothing worrying," he said, louder than normal so that Patton could hear him through the door. A small smile tugged at his lips.

'Don't smile. You're logic. You don't express emotions. You especially don't smile.'

He schooled his features back into a nonchalant expression as Patton's expected baffled response could be heard through the door. "Oh... uhm... can I ask why...?"

"I was getting frustrated with an experiment that wasn't going as planned," he lied easily. He stood and opened the door so that neither of them had to speak loudly anymore. He looked down at Patton, the smallest hint of amusement in his expression.

'Stop it. No emotions.'

He changed his expression quickly as Patton nodded slowly, lifting his head so he could look at Logan in the eyes.

"Okay, just... please be careful next time..."

"I will."

Patton gave him a tiny smile and started to walk away when Logan stopped him.

"Wait-"

Patton turned back around, his head cocked to the side ever so slightly, asking Logan to go on.

"You show so much concern for me... why?"

'You idiot. Do you actually think he cares? Pathetic.'

Patton bit his lower lip and Logan rocked back and forth on his heels, waiting for an answer anxiously. Finally, he said, "Because you're my friend, and friends care for each other." He smiled softly, hugged Logan briefly, and walked away, a small hop to his step.

Logan stared after him, his thoughts a flurry once more. He was unsure how to respond, and why was his heart beating so fast? Could Patton actually care...?

'No. He was lying. Do you actually believe him? Moron.'

'Yeah, but... he sounded so sincere...'

'Because you're a fool. An oblivious fool.'

He sighed and headed back into his room, shutting and locking the door behind him. 'I guess you're right...'

'Glad to see you've come to your senses, Logic.'

He grimaced and sat down on the bed.

'What are you doing? Get up and work, you lazy piece of shit! You know, I don't get why you haven't killed yourself yet. It would be a big favor to-'

His thoughts were cut off by an abrupt knocking. He stood, his gaze weary and sad as he opened the door. He looked down and saw that it was Patton again.

"Hey Logan!" He was looking down, fumbling with something in his hands. "I wanted to give you-" He looked up and their gazes collided before Logan could hide his pain. Patton paused. "...Logan...? Are you okay...?"

Logan blinked a couple times, not used to his sadness being asked about. "Mm...? Oh, yes... I'm fine..."

Patton's gaze softened. "You don't look fine..."

He turned his gaze away, unable to say it out loud. For once, the merciless voice in his head had gone silent.

"Do you want to talk about it...?"

He desperately wanted to say yes. Yes, I want to talk. I want help. I need help. But he couldn't... So he stayed silent.

The silence was all Patton needed as confirmation. He took Logan's hand and took a step into his room. He paused. "...Can I...?

Logan nodded and let Patton lead him by the hand to his bed. He had closed the door behind him, so they had full privacy.

Logan sat down next to Patton, not letting go of his hand. Patton leaned into him slightly. "Logan... what's going on...?"

Logan shook his head. "No... I can't tell you..."

"Please... You're worrying me..."

He stared at him softly for a moment, debating. Finally, he conceded, his posture slipping away and his shoulders slumped. He leaned against the wall, rubbing his thumb over Patton's knuckles subconsciously.

Patton blushed lightly but didn't say anything. "So... what's wrong...?"

"I'm going to sound crazy..."

"It's okay," Patton comforted him, leaning back next to him. "I won't judge you..."

He chewed on his lower lip. "There's-there's this voice in my head..."

Patton looked up at him, his eyes wide, asking him to go on.

"I... it tells me things... horrible things..."

"...Like...?"

"That you hate me..." he whispered. "That you all hate me... that I shouldn't be showing emotions... that maybe it'd be better if I just... killed myself..."

Patton's eyes brimmed with tears. "No... no, Logan... we don't hate you... I definitely don't hate you..."

Logan stared at him skeptically.

"I don't, I swear... I... actually feel the opposite..."

His brows furrowed. "You like me?"

"Not just... like... I... I..." He couldn't seem to get out what he wanted to say.

Logan sat there patiently.

"Logan, I... I love you..."

The world stopped. Logan froze. His heart skipped a beat. Three simple words, yet they managed to send his thoughts reeling. "You... no..."

Patton's face was bright red and he nodded.

Logan blinked a couple times. Shook his head. Blinked again. "I... I don't know what to say..." he breathed.

Patton sighed, lowering his gaze down to his lap, obviously slightly disappointed. "No, it's alright... I get it... you don't feel the same way..." He pulled his hand away from Logan's and folded his hands in his lap.

"No, Patton, I didn't mean-what I wanted to say-I just-uhhhhhhhhh-" Logan dragged his hands down his face in frustration.

Patton looked up at him. "... what is it...?"

"I... I love you too...," he whispered.

A grin broke out on Patton's face, but it was immediately buried. "You... you do...?"

He nodded, smiling ever so slightly.

'No! Stop!'

But for once, he ignored the voice as he pulled Patton closer, letting his smile widen. Patton leaned in, pausing just before their lips collided, letting Logan pull away. But Logan closed the gap without hesitation.

And the voice was silenced.