The Colours We Give | On hold

| 9 |

arashi

I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AGAIN. This time, it happened during Physics class.

It was pretty much a repetition of last time. No tears, a handful of quivering, all mixed with the dread of a coffin above my head. It was the dim flashlight boy from the first day who helped me this time. I didn't get to thank him because by the time I was awake, school was over for the day. I didn't find him yesterday either. I hope I'll be seeing him today so that I can get the feeling of owing him something off my chest.

Dad was so scared when he heard about my second attack. I remember seeing his eyes bloodshot after I woke up. He looked so scared; scared of losing me. He gave me the biggest hug the moment I got up. Like he was making sure I wasn't gone. I'm right here, I told him. All present and existing. That night, he cried like a child during dinner, apologizing to me innumerable times.

Yesterday, I apologized to Tassel for not spending leisure with her. I gave the excuse that I was sick, to which she just smiled and told me to take care of myself. She also introduced me to a quite good-looking guy called Lance. While they talked, she made it very obvious she liked him. And he made it very obvious that he liked her too. I wondered if they were dating, but then I recalled Tassel only introducing him as a friend.

I carefully park my car in one of the lots. I'm early, so the place isn't filled yet. 

I convinced Dad to let me drive myself to school by telling him that I like driving and it'll give me a change of pace. He agreed immediately when I said I feel better when I drive, that's how much he wanted me to stop getting the attacks. Normally, he would've driven me to school because I had attacks. I just want to stop occupying Dad's time. In the last twenty days, he went to work only once. If I don't stop getting these random attacks, Dad may end up losing his job.

On the contrary, I don't really like driving. It gets my butt and hands numb. I feel like it takes way too much energy that I could spend on doing better things. Like walking. I like walking. Not running. Just walking. I like feeling the ground push me forward, little by little. But the catch is, if I'm going to walk to school, I've got to leave my house at least half an hour early. Portmouth happens to be quite far from where we live.

The first person I meet in school is Lance. His tiny figure waves at me from the ground, a soccer ball resting under his foot. One of the players kicks it out of his grasp. He swears, then runs off after him.

After the momentary interaction, I head to the school building. I almost bump into Letterhead again.

"Watch where you're going, kid!" he shouts. He sounds like an angry drunkard. 

And again, just like the first day, I see the dim flashlight boy. He doesn't see me at first, but when he does, he smiles. Then he starts walking towards me.

"You okay, man?" he asks. "Seeing you like that twice was a little worrisome."

I laugh. "Worrisome? We don't even know each other."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, but you looked...scary. Like, I was scared for you."

"Well sorry for scaring you then," I say. I'm not sure if I like his words, but I know what he said is the truth. I imagine again what my father must have felt if even a random boy was feeling scared about me.

"I'm Nash, by the way," he says, extending his hand. 

"And I'm Arashi," I say, extending mine. We shake hands, and it looks as if we've just signed into a business partnership.

🎕

Dad used to sometimes call Mom a snow vegetable. Though this one was more of a literal name than a nickname. If specific Kanjis are used, Yukina, my mother's name, will translate to snow plant. Which Dad translated into vegetable, well, because he loved her.