Passionate Trust - Fractured

Chapter 5 - Catherine

What happened just now? Ryan and I just kissed, right?

Oh God, why did I have to come straight to his office and bring him a coffee, then all this would not have happened. What if he loves me? What if he fell in love with me? What if I just raised his hopes through this kiss?

I've got to get out of here. My inner voice answered. Wow, you have to get out of here, huh? Did you not have this situation already this morning? You know that you look like a cheap slut right now, right?

I know. But what am I going to do, I can't raise wrong hopes in him. At the moment I am not looking for anything long-term, for that he would have to understand my past and as long as I do not know if I can trust him, I can't risk to open up to him.

He would first have to get to know me properly, woo me, assure me that he would not leave me, would stay with me at all costs and fight for me. But until this day comes I just want to replace my anger, my pain, and my vulnerability through control and sex. I do not want anyone to love, I want someone that I can use to let my anger out on. I did not care who it would be, but it's the first time I do not want to hurt a person.

"This was all a mistake Ryan, I would be very grateful if what has just happened remains with us both. I will get to work now. Please excuse me."

As always, good job Catherine answered my inner voice. As if I had another choice. Just as I sat down to my computer, Amber came in. Her long hair went to her hips. She looked beautiful as always, hopefully, she will not notice what just happened. She looks over at me and smiles at me. "Morning, oh, you look terrible? Did you see a ghost?" Damn. I knew she would suspect something.

I looked at her and smiled in delight. "No, it's all right, why are you asking?" I said smugly. Amber looked at me with a suspicious look and raised her eyebrow:

"Well, if you say so. Hey, I saw you with this man this morning, was that your boyfriend? He was really attractive. "She froze when she saw me turn red. I turned my head to the side and sighed.

"You've seen him, huh?" I asked, and she nodded vigorously. She was beaming, her eyes widened, and her curiosity was reflected in it. Amber behaved like a child. But what choice would I have left? She will hate me. "So you know, this man was a bartender, we met in my favorite bar and I ..." I bit my lip, as I was unsure if I should tell her, "... slept with him. Nothing more. It was just pure sex and because I didn't drive to his place in my car, he offered to drive me to work." This is so embarrassing. What will she think of me now?

Surely she thinks I'm cheap now, a girl who has nothing better to do than get wasted and sleep with strangers.

I expected her to scream at me, look at me in disgust, but instead she beamed at me:

"That's great, don't worry, I don't think you're cheap now. To be honest, I was worried, I thought you hated men. But I'm glad you had a good time. "

She winks at me and I breathe in relief. Right at that moment, Ryan comes in. His eyes are emotionless, dull as if he does not care about anything at the moment.

He looks to me and then to Amber. "Shouldn't you take care of your work?" He asked with a growl, which he tries to hide as we both look at him confused, he yells at us.

"Don't stare at me with this stupid expression on your faces. Go to work!"

Ryan came to my desk and put a pile of files on the table for me: "You have time to finish these until 12:30 am, now it's 11:30 am, do not waste your time. I do not want it too early, nor not too late. "

With that, he went back to his office. I rubbed my temples with 2 fingers. Damn, I did not mean to hurt him. As I look up, I see Ryan serving me a cup of coffee. It's the coffee I always drink when I'm too stressed out.