Remember

|10| After All This Time

pov bucky → pov steve~

"Anything is possible, you know that. You know you wouldn't be here if it wasn't," Steve said to me seriously, trying to get my hopes up and attempting to ignore the unimaginable truth of the situation.

"I'm sorry... I know you've spent so much of your time over the last few days trying to help me... trying to help me remember something - anything. I just don't think it's working and I'm so incredibly sorry for not telling you that sooner. I wasn't trying to lead you on... I was just trying to give it a chance. I just- I don't think there's that much more of a chance to give, anymore, I-"

"After all this time? Really? You're willing to let all of our history turn to dust? You're telling me that you don't care about us or about any of thi-"

"No," I interrupted him. "I'm not saying that. I didn't say I don't care, Steve. I just feel that we've exhausted all of our options here. I've tried everything you've asked me to. I told you I'm willing to try literally anything. Whatever it takes."

"You mean that?" He asked me.

"I've never meant anything more," I told him, really meaning it.

Then he closed his eyes and before I said anything else, his head was in his hands. It was so hard seeing him like this. I felt like him re-telling me all those stories at the very least helped me feel more human again, if nothing else. I knew they probably wouldn't help me actually remember, but at least they've helped me in some way. I wish I could console him, for there really wasn't much I could do in regards to fixing this re-opened wound.

So, I tried the best I could.

"Some people wish they could have a re-do. They wish they could start their lives all over again and forget all the bad stuff," I said, holding back the tears I had been keeping in all day.

I watched him. He simply sat there and listened, so I continued.

"I just want to remember, Steve," I heard my voice crack and felt the familiar prickle of relentless tears begin to settle. His eyes, though usually big and child-like, seemed to fill with sorrow and hopelessness. "I want to remember all of it," I murmered. "They took everything from me, all the good things and all of my memories from my old life," I paused.

"They took you away from me, Steve," I whispered. It was like I was realizing the gravity of the situation for what felt like the first time.

"Now I realize that I've done all that I can do. The world has changed, it's moved on without me, and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best and, dear God, I've tried so hard... so hard," I watched his eyebrows crinkle together in agony as the words spilled from my mouth.

He was breaking, the man unbreakable, and the only person to blame is myself.

"But sometimes the best that we can do is start over," I continued, despite the overwhelming feelings compelling me to stop. "That's all I have left, Steve. This is my last option. There is no other way."

"Of course there is," he blurted out, sounding almost angry. "I mean- nevermind I don't thin-"

"There's no chance you're getting away with not telling me something that might fix this, so don't even try it," I interrupted. I wasn't about to let him ruin this and waste all the progress we'd made over something stupid. "You've told me so much already, Steve, it can't be that bad."

"It's not something I have to tell you, Buck," he started, his shaky voice telling me how torn apart he really was. "It's more of an action... something I  would have to show you. And, well, I'm not sure if either of us is ready for that."