"He's dead asleep," Kihyun said, poking Hyungwon, who remained still. Kihyun looked over at Wonho with expectant eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as if to say don't look at me. "You're going to have to carry him back."
"Okay," Wonho agreed easily. He didn't have access to any weights here, and lugging Hyungwon around was a good enough substitute, although Wonho was used to benching more than Hyungwon's entire body weight. He pulled Hyungwon's chair back before sliding an arm under his knees and leaning the boy against his chest as he slipped his other arm behind Wonho's back. Hyungwon's limbs swayed limply like those of a rag doll.
Kihyun muttered something about a showoff and muscle pig before exiting the classroom in a huff, Wonho following a few steps behind. With the exception of the unconscious boy in his arms, their room hadn't received any visitors. Jooheon and Shownu had both gotten to see their families, and Changkyun got to see his mom. If he ran the math, that meant that Jooheon's room had had 100% visitation, and Changkyun's room had had 50% (as Minhyuk had not been visited), whereas their room had only received roughly 33%.
Wonho wasn't quite sure on the math since it wasn't his strong suit, but he thought it rather odd that they'd put the forgotten kids in the same room. Even Hyungwon had looked shocked that his parents had come. Wonho wondered if they'd been grouped together for a reason.
Kihyun collapsed on his bed, groaning melodramatically as Wonho set Hyungwon down. "I'm exhausted," Kihyun proclaimed, and Wonho raised his eyebrow.
"Why? You didn't do anything today," Wonho said. It was true; all they'd done was sit in a classroom. Very low activity.
"Well I worked too hard at doing nothing and now I'm tired from all that effort."
***
In the other room, Changkyun was sitting with Minhyuk on his bed, rubbing his back. "Hey, I know you're upset...and you're always trying to cheer up everyone else when they're having a hard time...but you gotta take care of yourself, you know?"
Minhyuk was quiet, his frown making a permanent residence on his face.
"Why do you even care so much if she comes?" Changkyun asked before looking down, feeling guilty for having suggested it, but he couldn't stop now. "She's addicted to drugs, and when you lived with her, she stole your money to feed her addiction. She didn't take care of you. She barely took care of herself. You're honestly better off without her, Minhyuk. So...why...why do you want to see her so badly?"
Minhyuk looked up with tears in his eyes. "Yeah, she's a mess," he choked out. "But she's still- she's still my mom."
Changkyun nodded slowly before pulling Minhyuk in for a side hug, leaning his head on Minhyuk's shoulder.
***
"I said I'm fine," Jooheon snapped, glaring at Shownu from across the room.
"I didn't say anything," Shownu said, his voice even and soft. Despite being upset with Jooheon the previous day, he was calm now, seeming to have forgotten the whole incident.
"Yeah but you keep looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you want me to cry or something," Jooheon said, scowling as he massaged his knuckles like he wanted to punch something. "My dad died. Big frickin deal. Whoop de doo."
"It is a big deal."
"Maybe to someone who cares." Jooheon frowned, anger fading into sadness. "I just- it's good that he's gone. Everything can be okay now."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that everything is going to be easier with him gone," Jooheon said without flinching or even looking guilty. "We got into a lot of fights. We made my mom cry at night sometimes. But it was all just physical, you know? I...I know that he loved me. I think. And I think I loved him too. But it was hard being around him because it was so easy to just fall back into the usual pattern. And..." Jooheon exhaled. "Now that he's gone, I won't have to defend myself from him. It'll just be me and my mom. She's good to me. We can be happy together."
"But what about the anger?" Shownu asked. He didn't want to push Jooheon, but he knew that Jooheon needed someone to talk to, and sometimes he needed someone to prod the words out from him.
"The anger?" Jooheon laughed at the phrase.
"The anger that's inside you," Shownu said. "He was the cause of it, right? Your dad. And now you've got all this anger with nowhere to go."
Jooheon was quiet as though he'd only just considered Shownu's words. "I...it'll go away. It'll go away cause he's gone and-"
"Jooheon, maybe it isn't going to go away."
Jooheon looked up angrily, his eyes wet with tears he didn't want to shed. "It has to go away! Because I'm sick of- I'm sick of feeling like this all the time!"
"Like what?"
"Like I just want to hurt things! I'm tired of hurting people!" Jooheon folded his hands in front of his mouth like little kids do when their hands are cold. "I'm tired of hurting my friends."
Shownu nodded along with Jooheon's words. "I'm not saying you can't get better, Jooheon," he said softly. He had to be careful with Jooheon, had to know when to push him and when to pull back. "I know you can get better. I just think it's unhealthy for you to pin all of your anger on your dad and just assume that it'll disappear with him because it might not. It might just be a part of who you are."
Jooheon's laugh bounced off the walls, high-pitched and cynical and desperate and hopeless. "They said that you just gotta be yourself, that it's okay to be messed-up or different or wrong, but then nobody wants to help you, no one wants to reach out to you, no one wants to know you." His laughter trailed off with a ragged inhale. "I'm sick of this," he admitted, his voice quiet and needy. "I hate this. I just want..."
"What do you want, Jooheon?"
"I want to feel at peace. I want to know what that feels like. To just be content. Screw happiness. I don't need it. I just...want a moment where I don't want to punch or kill or destroy something. Where I can just sit and let things be. Where I don't have to be part of the problem or part of the solution or part of anything."
"You know how you can get there," Shownu said carefully. This wasn't a time to push.
Jooheon sighed, laying back on his bed and staring at the ceiling as though he were scoping out the stars beyond it. "I didn't...want to have to. I wanted to beat this on my own."
"We all need a little help sometimes." Shownu bit his lip. "Dr. Irving won't ever force you to take the pills, Jooheon. He wants it to be your decision because only you can take care of yourself. And I know you think relying on pills means that you're weak, but that's not it at all, Jooheon. The pills are there to help you."
Jooheon snorted lightly, tears still shining in his eyes. "That's great coming from you."
Shownu was quiet. "Taking the pills or not taking the pills is your choice, Jooheon. And they might help you find the peace you've been looking for."
Jooheon was quiet before he rolled over to face the wall, and that was the end of their conversation for the night.
