"How do you think you're doing?" Dr. Irving asked, his eyebrows knitted across his forehead.
Hyungwon, fully dressed, stared back at him. He and Dr. Irving had worked out a deal where as long as Hyungwon cooperated and was fully honest during the physical examination, he could put back his clothes for the psych examination if it made him more comfortable. It did, and it made Hyungwon like Dr. Irving a bit more.
"Okay," Hyungwon answered. It was his usual answer. He didn't want to lie to Dr. Irving, and it wasn't that it was necessarily a lie, but...It was too broad of a question to be answered any way but simply.
Dr. Irving's lips twitched downward. "I heard that you refused to cooperate during your visitation session?" He consulted his clipboard for a moment. "That you stopped talking to your parents and let the time run out before hanging up the phone? Is that correct?"
Hyungwon nodded. He didn't say anything because he knew that Dr. Irving would ask whatever questions he needed to in order to get full answers.
"Why did you do that, Hyungwon?" Dr. Irving paused and clarified. "Why did you ignore your parents when they came to visit you?" He looked down at his clipboard for a moment. "It looks like they've been coming every week. That's nice, isn't it? But you've never ignored them before. So why this time?"
Hyungwon was quiet for a moment. That was another reason he liked Dr. Irving. Dr. Irving gave him time to think instead of just forcing an answer out of him. "It's not nice," he said, referring to the rhetorical question. "'They're not nice people."
Dr. Irving nodded slowly. "But then why didn't you refuse to speak with them earlier?" He looked distressed. "Hyungwon, you do know that you don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, correct?" He paused, grimacing. "Well, I know you're uncomfortable with the evaluations, but those are necessary to assess how you're doing mentally and physically. But everything else - your medication, your classes, and yes, your visitation sessions - you have the right to choose whether or not you feel safe and comfortable with those actions or events."
"Classes are optional?" Hyungwon asked. He often got distracted during their talks, but Dr. Irving never got frustrated with him, just let Hyungwon steer the conversation anywhere he wanted as he followed along patiently.
"Classes are optional," Dr. Irving confirmed with a single nod of his head followed by slightly smaller nods, echoes of the first. "But we highly encourage everyone to attend because isolation can be damaging physically and in terms of your psychological state. Interacting with other patients here is important for you and everyone else to keep building and reinforcing positive social connections. Cutting yourself off from that could hurt you in a lot of ways. That said, we can't truly force you to go if you feel in some way unsafe or extremely uncomfortable, but there may be other consequences if you choose not to attend."
Hyungwon just nodded, and Dr. Irving took his silence as permission to proceed with his second question, not that the first had been answered in any great depth, but Hyungwon knew that they'd probably come back to it next week.
"Now, Hyungwon, can you tell me about the phone? Why didn't you just hang up? Why wait the full thirty minutes?"
Hyungwon thought for a moment. "All my friends are leaving me," he said, his voice soft. "I don't like the classroom. It's not that big, but it seems a lot bigger now with so many people gone."
"You're talking about Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Kihyun, correct?"
Hyungwon nodded, playing with his fingers. He wondered if they held their own memories. He'd been a pianist before enrolling in the program, but he hadn't touched a piano in months. He wondered if he still remembered.
"Do you want to talk about them, Hyungwon?"
Hyungwon blinked as he considered. "No," he said at last. "I don't want to talk about them."
"All right, we don't have to talk about them, but can you just tell me how you feel about them right now?"
Hyungwon inhaled deeply, staring downward as he tried to put words to the tension in his body. "Angry. Sad."
"But no jealousy?" Dr. Irving noted with interest, scrawling something down on his clipboard.
"Why would I be jealous?" Hyungwon asked, looking up, and Dr. Irving pursed his lips.
"Not everyone is the same, and I'm not saying that any one response is normal or expected, but some patients in your position would be jealous of other patients that were released."
Hyungwon twitched.
"Do you want to stay here forever, Hyungwon?"
Hyungwon didn't respond.
Dr. Irving frowned, his eyes crinkling at the edges with worry. "Or is it that you just don't want to be somewhere else?"
Hyungwon looked up. "Can't I go yet? Isn't it time?"
Dr. Irving sighed, taking half a step back. He always hit a point in his examinations with Hyungwon in which Hyungwon stopped cooperating and instead began putting up walls instead of answering Dr. Irving's questions. The problem was that any issue that made Hyungwon uncomfortable was likely an issue that Dr. Irving needed to delve into with him to help him overcome it.
"Just one more question, Hyungwon," Dr. Irving said. One day he'd break down the walls, but not today. "Have you still been having the dreams?"
Hyungwon's lips tightened, and Dr. Irving could tell that he didn't want to answer, but he knew that Hyungwon would because he wanted to leave early.
"Yes. Most nights. More since K-" Hyungwon shut his mouth and frowned, stubborn lines outlining his locked lips.
"More since Yoo Kihyun left the program?" Dr. Irving asked, leaning forward slightly as he sensed a breakthrough coming.
"You said one question. I answered it," Hyungwon said, eyes flicking toward the door. "I'm done for today. No more questions."
Dr. Irving sighed, trying not to feel frustrated as he collected his papers and headed toward the door. "Thank you, Hyungwon. I'll meet with you in a week."
"Okay," Hyungwon said.
And, as usual, as Dr. Irving exited the room, he looked down at his clipboard in disappointment as he checked the box next to failed evaluation.
