utterly expressive

"I remember" | 9/5/18 | Unedited

"Write for five minutes about how you feel. Then, highlight the parts that show emotion and elaborate on one emotion for ten minutes. Keep writing and don't stop or edit." - A guess 

Certain parts will be cut out for the privacy of myself and others.

I feel anxious and lonely. My stomach is tight but not to where I'd have a panic attack I just feel like crying. I want my parents to pay attention to me, especially my dad, but he's always busy. Annoying him is my only way of getting his attention but he just gets mad at me and I want to drive. I want to be able to go places myself because I like traveling and traveling is fun. I want to go to LA as soon as I get my drivers license but by myself so I can visit my friend but I also can't kidnap her which is sad and I wish I graduated by now. I'm worried that early graduation is a bad step or that my job I want to do is not right for me. Maybe no job is right for me but I'm trying. I want someone to be next to me but no one but my sister is next to me so she'll have to do. I wish it was raining here because rain inspires me to write and I hate the heat even though it's technically fall. Every time I get a text I get really anxious and scared and I start shaking which is really weird. My dads probably never going to let me drive or it'll take months before he takes me and he won't take me today but driving is the only thing I feel like I can look forward too. Time really goes slow when you're writing nonsense just for an assignment you aren't going to send in huh? I feel like I need a day away from everybody but then my anxiety would act up and make me have a panic attack and panic attacks are the worst. I'm counting down the days till I'm [age] but it feels so long but really it's only like 8 or more weeks away which is short when you think about it. Writing this makes me feel extremely anxious and I can feel my stomach get sick and I don't know why it's really weird. I kind of want to throw up but that's not an option and then I am really full after having a salad that I haven't even finished. People think I'm too skinny but I'm not, well I guess I kind of am but I'm not anorexic I love food. I've been feeling nothing but apathy for maybe a month or less now and it's really affecting a lot. I haven't even done any [removed] even though it's funny watching [name] freak out about it. I like [removed] too but it's so hard to do [removed] when I'm not writing it like a story because it doesn't feel emotional and It's hard to get the words out for it. I've also realized that I've always had this idea in mind of what I want to do when I graduate but now I'm starting to think it's not right for me. but I had a look at the jobs in psychology and there's so much cool things and being a doctor also looks really cool and maybe both would suit me but I also want to do writing and it's probably hard to do so much stuff.

part two of a mess ^ same assignment.

>>I feel anxious and lonely. My stomach is tight but not to where I'd have a panic attack I just feel like crying. I want my parents to pay attention to me, especially my dad, but he's always busy. Annoying him is my only way of getting his attention but he just gets mad at me and I want to drive.<<

I'm supposed to write about this for ten minutes, but honestly, I think I might cry writing this. I think I need to talk to someone in real life or maybe even a counselor. I've tried getting my parents to take me by hinting to them but they sense hints as much as [name] does which means 0.1% of the time. I think, I know I have anxiety. That's not surprising but the more I grow up, the more it gets worse, and the more the panic attacks rise. I think my anxiety is tied to how much attention I really need from my family, mostly my parents. Every time I'm away from the computer I feel the need to spend time with my parents and it's been strong recently. My family is never happy either, it's always fighting and as much as I pretend it doesn't bother me sometimes it really gets to me, especially when everything suddenly seems perfectly fine, because I know what'll happen in a weeks time. I think the only way I've been getting my feelings out is through [removed] and [removed] because they're a part of me, so I'm just basically trying to hurt myself and my mind. (It's a good thing no one's gonna read this lmao) And now that I'm trying to stop myself from doing [removed] as much because it makes [name] upset, it's made me very numb inside. Without taking out how I feel through [removed] I've been thinking more and more what would happen if I just left. I know killing myself isn't an option here and I very rarely think about that or physically hurting myself *which I think about quite a bit* but I sometimes just want to leave my house and go somewhere else, which is funny because this whole thing is also about wanting attention.

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