Off The Beaten Path

Little Bit of Spine

He sat in silence in front of his fire, watching the flames claim the wood in burning embers and blackening bark.

Levi hadn't heard from her in a week. He didn't want to intrude, to force himself into the situation and - God if he had to admit it - he was scared. He was scared she didn't want him anymore. The enormity of what had happened, what had been taken from them, had ebbed and crested within him usually multiple times a day. It was an overwhelming thing to discover. Sometimes the idea was within his grasp.

He could be a father, he loved children. Had always wanted at least one of his own.

Other times the realization was suffocating.

He had almost had the life he had wanted, desired secretly. And it was ripped away before he'd been able to make that choice. Again.

He clenched his fist around the glass of whiskey, impulsively throwing it into the flames. The cup smashed against the back of his stove, the flames roared as they consumed the alcohol, slowly dying down to their normal size. He ran a hand over his face standing, pacing, admonishing himself. Violence had always been his instinctive reaction - his fall back. He wished it wasn't so, he had tried to rely on other methods but his emotions were so high, so consuming. They burned within him and he didn't know how else to manage them but to strike out as they demanded. Partially he blamed Kenny; the man had taught him how to hurt, how to win - never how to compromise or deal with emotions in a healthy manner. He could beat the shit out of just about anything. Levi looked at his hands, calloused, strong. He didn't know if he could be gentle enough to fix this. He stopped pacing, running a hand through his hair. He'd have to cut it soon. It was beginning to bother him.

"Fuck." He hissed, grabbing his boots by the door and pulling them on.

If she wasn't going to him, he'd go to her.

~*~*~*~*~

Bernell sat on the couch, cup of tea in hand, laughing at Gabriel's antics. Lisa sat beside her, Jennifer sitting calmly next to her mother.

"So," Lisa interrupted Gabriel's show, drawing Bernell's attention, "How are we today?"

Bernell took a drink, savoring the warmth that slid down her throat. "I'm okay. The bleeding stopped days ago." She frowned, "Sometimes I'm sad or upset." Ezra nuzzled in closer to Bernell's side before jumping off the couch and wrestling Terra to the floor, blowing raspberries on her toddler tummy. "Mostly I've moved on. I-I'm afraid to confront Levi about it." She admitted, playing with her cup. "I'm not ready to end things."

"Then don't." Lisa offered flatly. "You're over analyzing things. Bernell, if ever a man like him was in lo-"

"Don't!" Bernell cried, interrupting Lisa. "Don't say that. Please." She felt her nose burn with welling tears. "I-I don't want him to-" She sighed heavily, shaking her head. "You don't understand. He's chosen a different life and all we would do is... distract him. Every day he's out there," she motioned beyond the wall, "he is risking his life. His attention has to be all in or he dies. I couldn't- I couldn't let myself, our family, what we feel for one another, be the cause of that. It would kill me, Lisa. I-I love him. So much."

Lisa frowned, shaking her head. "What you're saying doesn't make sense. If you love him so much then you should be with him, not cutting him out of your life."

Bernell shook her head. "You don't understand how complex this is-"

"If you're just running away, or cutting him out because you're scared - because of what happened to Tom-"

"Don't you dare compare this to Tom." Bernell seethed, standing in a flourish of emotion. Her vision blurred as her anger flared. "Tom was everything Levi is not. He was torn between his family and his duty, he had the unique ability to afford that lifestyle. We were as much a constant in his life as he was in ours. He didn't risk his life for weeks at a time, months on occasion. Levi... is so..." she deflated, falling back to her seat. "Levi is so much... more the soldier. Maybe, at one point in time-" She shook her head. "He wanted to open a tea shop." She smiled a weak, sad thing. "Can you imagine civilian Levi with his dried herbs and porcelain cups?" Bernell sighed, "I can. It would have been marvelous, having him that way I mean. Not because I don't admire and respect the man he is, but because then I could have what I wanted."