Off The Beaten Path

Want Your Love

LEVI

He sat up in the chair, his body alight from her gaze. It was a sensual kind of power to know someone couldn't stop looking at you. Simultaneously Levi felt he wasn't the kind of man someone should be watching so thoroughly. Painfully aware of his uncontrollable compulsion to clean he made his way to the sink and rinsed the rag out in it, folding it twice and setting it beside the basin to be properly washed later. Finally the nerves and worry from earlier had drained out of him. Despite feeling somewhat foolish for being so worried he was relieved Bernell hadn't teased him, admittedly aroused with the weight of her gaze trailing him around the house. He sat back down in the chair, taking a drink of tea and relaxing in the chair, meeting her gaze - taking her in.

She sat before him on the stuffed green couch; her big blue eyes were enchanting, her dark hair spilling over her shoulders. God he loved her hair. He wanted to bury his face in it, he wanted to tangle his hands in it, wanted to know what it looked like sprawled around her head like a halo while she slept. He had faint memories of her sleeping in the back of the wagons during their travels, but it hadn't been... like this. She'd had her children around her. He had wanted to keep them safe, to make sure nothing harmed them. Harmed her.

But now... His hand twitched involuntarily against the tea cup. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to try and quell the fire that was raging in his blood, pooling in his groin; making his head foggy. He opened his eyes again to find she had been studying him, her hand trailing over her throat unconsciously. He knew she didn't mean anything by it. So much about her was sweet and naive. She didn't know how she affected men, she didn't know how to entice a man. She was just deliciously herself.

Her nails dipped over her clavicle as her gaze met his eyes again and Levi about lost his grip on his will power.

"So I'm an interesting rock to look at then?"

Her eyes widened in surprise and she dropped her hand. He lamented her reaction, watching as she shifted in the chair.

"Why do you clean so much?"

The question didn't surprise him. He'd thought of that frequently as a child, growing up. It had been a perceived weakness, one that had earned him more than a few cuts, scars, and bruises. He had learned, over time and with severe discipline, to suppress the revulsion through other means. Channeling the burning desire into slaying titans and slaving over his maps and lists; building his team up to be the epitome of perfection. Obsessing in a completely different way. It staved off the impulses until he could be alone, in private. He built his reputation as a hard ass so that no one could question his compulsions - or at least, they didn't dare mention it around him.

He caught her gaze, "I was raised in less than stellar conditions. I-I think that's a big influence." He glanced away, taking a drink. He needed a moment. He didn't divulge this easily and the long trained urge to deny or cover up made his hands feel shaky. "I remember eating food that was so old, so bad, there were bugs in it. I didn't care back then, I didn't know better." He straightened, gazing into his cup; remembering, regretting, hating. "Everything was filthy. The air, the people, my clothes- it's hard to understand if you didn't go through it."

He barely saw her leaning forward, her head moved. He ignored her, couldn't look at her. He didn't want to see the pity, the sorrow.

"I had bugs on my skin. In my hair. Mites, lice, fleas. I was malnourished, so you can imagine my body was not up to task. Rashes- I remember itching. All the time." He remembered it all - the things he couldn't tell anyone, the things he would never tell anyone. "When I see messes, disorganization. When I get dirty," he snapped his eyes to her face, capturing her gaze in a challenge, "I can feel those bugs on me. I can feel my skin on fire just beneath the surface. My body reacts physically. I can't think, I'm on edge. Like I'm waiting to self-destruct. It's..." He shook his head, "difficult to explain."