Malice

Chapter 5: Decoy

Andy had done the one thing that everyone thought was impossible: he had me, Angel Dawson, tamed and wrapped around his finger. Everyone thought we were on the verge of a full blown relationship, but even though I enjoyed phone sex on a nightly basis and making out here and there, that didn't mean that I wanted to be in a full blown relationship with him. I hoped that he could see that without me having to bring it front and center for him to see. Relationships were shitty and I had Alex to blame for that. He wanted me to act like I was in a relationship with him while he roamed around the county freely. It often left me feeling trapped and tied down and I hated every single minute of it. I didn't have any love to offer anybody because someone decided to ruin it for me completely.

My mind was racing the entire day and I was truly worried about leading him on. I had to be honest with myself. The only reason why I even let him talk to me was because Alex was away and I was lonely. Andy was a good guy and even when I felt like I was the shit, I felt like shit because I knew that he was going to be heartbroken. I didn't know if I was just being paranoid, but when I looked at the faces of my classmates in the hall, I got the feeling that they knew some big secret about me and I was left in the dark.

I clutched my books to my chest as I pushed through the crowd with my head held high, not letting the stares and possible whispers get to me. I was my own worst enemy when it came to my paranoia and anxiety. Usually I would smoke a blunt to get rid of the anxiety for the day, but when I came down from my high, the anxiety would disappear, but the paranoia ended up being ten times worse.

I had to give myself a pat on the back when I finally made it to my locker. It took everything in me not to snap and scream at everybody, demanding to know what the fuck they were looking at. "Just three more classes and you're home free," I said to myself. I took a deep breath and closed the door, only to come face to face with Andy. He was just too adorable and it hurt. "Hello beautiful," he said with a wide smile, "I've been looking for you all day. You're not avoiding me, are you?" he asked jokingly. I was trying not to panic because that's exactly what I had been doing. The more people saw us together, the more they were going to talk and I didn't want anyone thinking that I had gotten myself into a relationship.

His smile faded when he saw that I wasn't smiling back. "What's wrong?" he asked, reaching for my hand. I tensed up and he pulled his hand back. "I like you and all, Andy. But, I don't want a relationship. I know we've gotten close and things have been getting a little hot and heavy between us, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Relationships aren't really my thing," I said, surprising myself. I didn't think I would have the courage to just come right out and say what needed to be said. That was definitely something to be proud of even though I felt like shit. "You've heard what people have been saying?" he asked, raising his eyebrow. "Not exactly, but that's just not my thing," I said with a shrug. He nodded, processing my rejection. "I never wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry if you got the wrong impression. I should have been more careful." Any other time and with anyone else, I would just be a bitch and tell him to suck it up. Andy didn't deserve that, but there was no way in hell that I was going to be tied down.

"No, it's okay. I'm totally fine with that," he said. My eyes grew wide and I was taken by surprise. "What?" I spit out. "I can understand where you're coming from and I get it. That doesn't mean that I'm going anywhere," he replied. I ran my fingers through my hair and it was probably obvious that I was confused. He was a virgin and had told me that he never came across the right person or had the right time. "But, when you talked about your virginity, you made it sound like you wanted to wait for someone that you actually wanted to be with." I was proud of the fact that I got those words out without stuttering. "Yeah, it came off that way, but if I'm going to fuck anybody for the first time, I want it to be you," he said with a smile. My entire body froze and I could feel my blood rushing to my favorite places just like it always did when I was turned on. I was shook because it happened unexpectedly. I had just heard the first and only words that made me feel significant.