A Greater Good (girlxgirl)

Work Day News Blues

I cried when I got home. I didn't want whatever was between Jane and I to be over, but it felt like it was, I could never come back from saying that I didn't love her. 

I fell onto the couch and stared across at the blank screen of the television, if I focused hard enough I could see my own miserable reflection. I couldn't understand why I was so sad about it all. I loved James, I really did, it wasn't something I just told myself to stop feeling guilty about having feelings for girls, in particular Jane. And I really had moved on, about a year ago I stopped thinking of Jane in that way, but when she turns up to your engagement party sitting at the bar looking better than anyone in the world has ever looked, it's hard to forget all the feelings I once I had for her. And now I'd been shunted backwards into a time when Jane was all I thought about. My thoughts were so Jane orientated that I'd miss things in conversation, the thoughts were worse than when I was sneaking around with her behind James' back, I suppose at the time there'd never been a break between us since we were 16. But now I did know the break, and it had done something to my head.

There was pressure to decide between them, and a deadline.

"Wow," Clarissa remarked when I sat down at my desk, half an hour late on Monday, "I've seen you look better."

I stuck my tongue at her and wheeled into my desk, turning on my computer. "Thanks."

"No, I'm worried." Clarissa turned to me, I tried to ignore her by staring intensely at my screen which had lit up - the tech team had finally squeezed me into their schedule. "Hello," she said, waving a hand in front of my face.

I turned and smiled at her. "It's fine, I'm just tired."

"Ok." I could see she was suppressing something to tell me.

"What?" I asked with a smile.

She blushed and giggled in a very Clarissa way. "I have something to tell you, don't get mad."

I shook my head in confusion. "Why would I get mad?"

"I don't know, things seem complicated and weird between you two."

"Me and who?" I asked, baffled at who she was referring to.

"You and Jane."

I felt my stomach drop, there was only so much that Clarissa could tell me that involved Jane and her giggly, post sex behaviour.

"Right..." I turned back to my computer, the screen was black, the tech team were officially useless! "Oh, for fucks sake!" I said loudly, several coworkers at desks nearby turned to look at me, I smiled apologetically. It was hard to pretend I was that angry because my computer was malfunctioning, especially to Clarissa who knew me pretty well. I turned back to her and tried to smile, it must have looked tight and restrained because her face fell. 

"I'm sorry," she said straight away.

"What? Why?"

"Because I've overstepped some boundary."

"Don't be silly!" I turned back to my computer, I couldn't get mad at Clarissa who knew nothing about my past with Jane, but I could get mad at Jane, and I would.

"I feel like you're mad," Clarissa said quietly.

"No, why would I be mad?"

"Because I had sex with your sister-in-law?" Clarissa said it as if she wasn't sure I knew what was being discussed.

"Oh! No! I don't care!"

Even as it came out of my mouth I knew it sounded false and insincere, Clarissa could tell as well she looked uncomfortable and shifted in her chair.

"She rang me on Saturday and had tickets to some movie, but her friend cancelled and she invited me. After it we went out, she got really drunk and we went back to my place." 

She said it in such a rush that I couldn't let her feel guilty for another second. I turned to her and smiled again.

"Look, Clarissa, I'm not mad, I promise, I'm just surprised. You both hardly know each other, it was just a shock. But Jane's Jane, she gets what she wants."