My Fucked Up Life.

Yo yo dieting

So throughout my 16 years of existence I've been going on and off with this freakishly unhealthy diet of mine.

Y'know when I was listen I wasn't fat nor thin, I have like a regular body and I don't eat a lot. Growing up I always find myself having a "stress eating" session at midnight whenever I would feel depressed. I do put every emotions into eating, because somehow it brings comfort. So, around like 10-12 years old, I was getting chubby and I did not like it because a lot of people would always fat shame me and call me names, and the fact that I dance doesn't help either. When I turned 13 that's when things started to change, I was eating less again and sleeping less too! My first year of high school y'know I look like one of those girls that people admire because of my body, people would compliment me and would come up to me saying that I was getting "sexier". And stupid me.. those compliments got into my head and I loved the attention I'm getting; what's worse is that I started getting conscious in what I eat because I thought that if I started gaining weight again people would stop loving me. Also my mother as bad as this may sound, when she saw me shirtless once, checking myself if I gained anything, she asked me if that's really my tummy when I said yes, she said that I did a great job and I should keep it that way. That's when I started convincing myself that she's lying because whenever I would look at the mirror all I could see was a bigger version of me.

My second year of high school was one of the most painful and disgusting year for me. I would always visit our school infirmary to check my weight on their scale and I would hate myself whenever I would see the same exact number. I stopped eating breakfast and lunch but the moment I get home from school I would always consumed a ton of pasta. That went for a while then I got sick, I would always throw up and my body would continuously reject any food, heck it would reject medicines too! When I got better, I felt numb but when I looked at the mirror I saw myself looking fat or whatever. The next day, I came back to school and checked my weight on the scale and it scared me because my normal weight was 42kg (I know I'm heavy oof) but when I checked my weight it's at 37kg, I know nothing dramatic but it scared me because what if I looked so gaunt or what if people see as a corpse now that I'm this thin? It changed! Whenever I would look into a mirror all I can see was bones poking out. I was disgusted to myself. I then told myself that I should eat, so I did! I always eat a lot. Of course I gained weight!

Third year of high school, people started noticing that I did gained not a ton and not little but a good amount of weight, people would tease me and would coo-ed because I was "chubby" and "squishy" but you know the bullying and nicknames came back but I'm happy because I decided to be strong and not listen to them! Because why should I care? It's my body not theirs and I would give everything what it needs. I was doing good until things started going downhill; I was over the nicknames because it was getting worse and the fact that my whole family would fat shame me didn't help. Remember when I said in the past that I was eating less? But this time it's worse! I didn't eat at all, ok sure I would eat a little but I would always force myself to vomit. One time where I didn't eat but I felt full for some unknown reason, I forced myself to vomit and I see nothing but a bunch of biles. I started getting back to my normal weight and body structure and I was contented-ish.

But stupid me! I felt sorry for my body that I started giving it what it wants and needs again. I started gaining weight again and I was not happy about it because the tease continued. My fourth year of high school was filed with endless nicknames and subtle fat shaming as much as it hurts me I paid no attention but I was stupid, I stopped eating whenever there's people around me and I would eat as much as I can until I vomit when nobody was around.

I was slowly getting frustrated and tired of everything so I just maintained a normal looking frame and weight, though I will admit that it's in between of being chubby and being regular.

But here we go again with the vicious unending cycle of agony. On our vacation, instead of relaxing, I was restless and anxious the whole time, so I would visit the gym everyday.. ON OUR 2 WEEKS VACATION AT A FANCY HOTEL! I would go to the gym at 9am and would go back to my hotel room at 11pm, sometimes 12am. I would dance for hours and end it with a 1 hour run on the treadmill. That 2 weeks made me lose weight and when I got back almost all of my friends complimented me and I was sad because people only notice me when I'm at my best "state".

Summer came by and I gained weight again, not that shocking anymore since I've been going through that cycle for how many years.

And now? To be honest, I don't know anymore. And I feel bad because I started getting addicted to the gym again and my friends would always check up on me if I'm eating or not. It's sad to see how much of a burden I am to my friends.

I guess that's it! That's me dealing with the Yo yo dieting!