Graduation wasn't what I expected it to be.
Yesterday, Michelle was the only one crying. Our blue gowns were itchy and it was miserable sitting on the football field under the hot sun, baking. The Valedictorian speech was well over five minutes, and I don't remember hardly any of it.
Dylan was a no-show, which has lead everyone to believe he's dropped out or transferred. I don't know which theory I believe.
When we threw our caps up in the air, that was the moment I truly realized that it was all over, all the high school stuff. What a relief.
We weren't able to get our hands on enough tickets for the whole band to come. Only Duff was there, and all I could hear was him and my father screaming my name as I accepted my diploma and shook my principal's hand. It hurt that the rest of the guys weren't able to attend with my schools strict ticket-only policy, but the band was here all day today, at Michelle and I's joint graduation party.
It's over now though. The whole affair took place in my back yard. It was jam packed with people, all of my extended family and some of Duff and Michelle's here too. All that remains of the party is memories-the decorations and tables and even the bouncy castle my parents got for my little cousins is all gone, either thrown away or packed up. The sun's already gone down, and it's gotten a little chilly out. It doesn't help that the only light in the backyard comes from the porch light, which is at the opposite end of the yard, where Duff is saying goodbye to my parents, Michelle next to him.
Axl and I hug for way too long here in the confines of the dark beside my mother's rose bushes. I can't help but indulge myself, though. It's not like Axl minds.
"You looked so pretty today, Chas," He whispers into my ear, intended for only me to hear.
My hands grip onto the red flannel covering Axl's arms, contouring with his biceps as he holds me tight. My head rests in the crook of his neck, and we're swaying a little, even though there's no music. Just the loud voices of my parents and the McKagan siblings, providing as a distraction for Axl and I, even though they probably don't know it.
"I bet you've just been waiting to tell me that," I tease.
It's made me nervous, him being here today. We've hardly touched or spoken, aside from saying hello and a quick hug once he got here with the band. Nothing dramatic, nothing that could reference the last conversation we had in Michelle's bathroom. But still, I know what my whole family doesn't about him and I.
When he shook my dad's hand earlier, when he was being swept away by all my curious aunts, all I could see in my head was Axl and I in his car.
Despite my worries, I still feel dramatically different from earlier this week. Like I can relax, at least as much as possible when he's still all I can think about. But Axl said he's not going anywhere, that there's no expectations of anything. We've cleared the air. The ball just rests in my court now. If I even decide to make a move, I think.
I hope I find the courage. We can't be like this forever, dancing around what we both want. Hiding from the light. God, I hope I pull it together. Turning Axl away fully would break me.
"I have," Axl admits. "I wish I could've seen more of you today."
That makes me scoff as I feel my ears get hot immediately, my mind racing at that. "I thought you said you'd be respectful, William Axl Rose."
As we move softly with the breeze, Axl's arms around my waist, he gasps. "Not like that! I didn't-Chas, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that I wish we could've spent more time together. Some real PG shit."
