DANIELLA✔

Chapter forty-four

I still wasn't happy, despite the warm reception I had gotten in Mr. Godwin's house. His wife was really a sweet woman and she had been treating me nicely. In their big apartment, they gave me a comfortable room to sleep in. Never for once was I hungry, I always had complete three square meals a day. I wore good clothes. I was showered with so much love and affection. I had virtually everything I wanted at my disposal, yet I was still unhappy.

I felt so lonely, like there was something missing-or maybe someone. But I couldn't quite place my hand on what exactly it was. For days, I was so sad and down that I knew depression was settling in, but I didn't let Mr. Godwin and his wife know about it. I pretended to be happy whenever I was around them, when in actual fact, I felt lost. I had lost everything-my friends, the love of my life, and even myself.

Suicidal thoughts kept creeping into my mind, a darkness I couldn't quite fathom luring me and telling me everything would be better if I was dead. I tried to stop the thoughts. I tried so hard to banish the darkness dwelling in my heart and whispering evil words to my soul, but I couldn't and I found myself holding a knife to my heart at some point. But each time I tried to kill myself, there was always something, like a strong force, always stopping me.

But not today.

I was going to end everything here and now and nothing could stop me!

Mr. Godwin and his wife had gone out for a church program. They had earlier on requested that I followed them, but I declined under the pretext that I wasn't feeling well. So presently, I was home alone.

Different ideas floated through my mind, evill whispers of ways that I could kill myself without feeling much pain fleeting through like a movie on fast forward.

Hanging? Where would I find rope to execute that action? I discarded the option immediately.

Drug over dosage? Where would I even find pills in this house? Maybe stabbing myself with a knife was just what I was going to do.

I made my way towards the kitchen on foamy legs. My mind felt detached from reality-like my mind was filled with fog-and the only thing that made sense was the darkness telling me want to do. I entered the kitchen and my eyes landed on the utensil rack, spotting the biggest knife immediately like it knew it would be there beforehand. I walked towards it like a robot, legs moving stiffly-almost like they were dead.

Before I knew it, my hands were wrapping around the cold handle of the kitchen knife, bringing it down to the exact point in the chest where my heart beat rapidly. As I moved soullessly, some voice in my head kept telling me not to do it, but I blocked it out and dragged the knife over my chest slowly, careful to not cut anything yet. I wanted it to be quick and there definitely was no going back this time around.

I brought the knife up, ready to bring it back down and end it all in one swift stab...but tears suddenly clouded my vision, streaming down my cheeks as my silent sobs echoed off the walls in the empty house. My shoulders shook, the painful feeling of heartbreak filling my chest again as a movie of the previous events that had happened ever since I came to Lagos played in slow motion in my head. Travelling down to Lagos on my own, the maltreatment from Aunt Caro, the hatred her family had shown me, grandma's death, Peter's breakup letter, Gbemi and Adam's betrayal, Uncle Henry's rape attempt. It was all just too much.

"God, I'm so sorry that I'm about to take my life...but you know how unhappy I am. I'm doing this because I'm tired of living. I hope you forgive and receive me in your bosom." I said, my voice shaky as I hoped someone really was listening. My arms had started to hurt from holding the knife up for so long and I tightened my grip around it, my eyes snapping shut tightly as I prepared to bring it down.