I want to write you a song

Strong

I try to think of something, anything that could explain why it would look like I was about to kiss Louis. But I couldn't. Instead, I feel all the emotions I've push down over the years come bubbling to the surface. I try and chock back the sobs, which I feel threatening to give me away.
I never want people to see me cry, not that it happens a lot. I always try to stay strong in situations, where I feel weak. But tonight was different, I can't just keep pretending everything is ok. I can't keep smiling when I'm hurting inside.
"Whoa, Harry, what's wrong?"
I try to catch my breathe, but I can't. I feels like I'm suffocating, I can't seem to breathe normally.
"Harry, Harry, look at me. Just breathe with me, ok? In, out, in, out, ok?"
After a few minutes I start to slow my breathing back to a normal speed.
"Harry you've got to talk to me. I don't ever want to see you like that again."
"I'm so sorry for scaring you Liam." I feel silent tears fall down my face.
"It's ok, but you got to tell me what's going on."
I pause for a while, thinking of what to say.
"Liam, you know how I said the song I wrote was about the first boy I loved?"
He nodded.
"And that I still know him? And you guys do to?"
"Yeah..."
"Liam I wrote that song about Louis."
"Wait what?!" He said in a low voice.
There's a silence between us. I can't keep it in anymore.
"Harry, how long exactly have you had feelings for him?"
"Since the day we were put together in a band, on the X factor. But I couldn't admit it, not even to myself. I only stopped trying to ignore the feelings I had for him, about 6months ago."
"Harry that's almost four years, and you never said anything to Louis? Or us?"
"Liam I couldn't even tell you, or the other boys that I was gay, let alone that I've fallen in love with one of my best friends."
What I said registered in my head. I panicked and quickly tried to cover it up.
"Wait, I didn't mean that I love love him. And I definitely haven't fallen in love with him."
"Harry...I hate to say it, but I think your song says otherwise."
"I can't lie to you Liam."
"A good thing too, or else who knows what you'd get away with."
I crack a smile.
"That's what I want to see." He says hugging me to his chest. We stay like that for a while.
I think it's because I'm the youngest in the band, but Liam was always the one to make sure I was ok, if I seemed down. He was the one to make me laugh, even when I really didn't want to. In many ways, Liam has been like an older brother, always looking out for me.
"You don't understand how hard it is Li. I just want it to all be over."
"I now it seems like the worst thing in world right now, but I think the only way you're gonna feel better is to tell Louis."
"What would I even say? Hey Louis, I just thought you should know that I am in love with you, and I have been for the last fours years. Oh and I also have a book where I write songs about you."
"Well yeah, I'd pretty much say that. Just lose the sarcasm."
"Out of everyone, anyone on the planet, I can't believe I had to fall for one of my best friends. You know if I tell him it could completely ruin our friendship, the band too."
"Or..."
"Or?"
"Or...you could find out that he feels the same way."
As sad as I am, I almost laugh.
"Liam, he's straight, he's got a girlfriend remember?"
"Harry you know Louis' never been the most confident person, he still feels really insecure about himself at times. I'd think you might be surprised at what he'd say. Just tell him how you feel."
"Tell who, how you feel?"
Liam and I snap our heads towards the doorway, where Louis is standing.