Playing and Riding

Chapter 10 - Accept

The following week, I wanted to tell Corey how truly sorry I felt, but there was no trace of him. He didn't show up to the class we had together. I tried the tree in the middle of campus where I first met him. Nothing. I even tried going to the hill where we watched the sunset together, but he wasn't there either. If only I knew where he lived. I tried texting him to tell him that I needed to talk with him, but no matter how many texts I sent, he never responded. With each passing day that I didn't see him, I felt more and more crushed. I did something fucking stupid, and now I lost a good friend, maybe even my best friend. It wasn't because of my sexuality. He was completely fine with that. It was what I did to him, something I was entirely my fault. I wanted him to know that, but I guess he'll never know. Is this what rejection feels like? I felt empty inside.

That weekend, I wanted to try one last time to go to the hill, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he would be there. I stepped out of my room and saw Shane and Ashley both at my door. It looked like Shane was about to knock on my door.

I inquired, shocked, "What are you guys doing here?" They both looked at each other.

Finally, Ashley responded, "Hi, Tyler. Can we come in to talk?"

Trying to act cool, I stuttered, "I was just about to head out." Seeing their concerned faces, I relented. "Fine." I stepped back to let them in. Ashley sat on my bed, and Shane leaned against the wall. I closed the door and went to sit in my chair.

Ashley began, "Well, Shane saw how mopey you were being all week, and he asked me if something was wrong at home. I said no, but this doesn't sound like you at all, so I had to see for myself. Shane brought me here, and so, here we are."

I looked down the entire time, not wanting to lock eyes with them and have them see right through me.

"Come on, Ty, you can tell us," Shane pleaded. "I just want to make sure that my star running-back is doing okay."

"Alright, I'll tell you," I replied, keeping my gaze on the floor.

I basically told them everything. I told them about Corey. How we met. How he was in my class. How we became friends. How I showed him my spot. How he took me to his spot. How I had a dream about him. How I told him about it. How I told him I was gay. What happened after that. Everything. The entire time, Shane and Ashley stayed silent, paying attention to every word I said, never once interrupting until I finished what I had to say.

Ashley got up to hug me, and Shane followed by patting his hand on my back. Somehow, that already started to make me feel a little better, like I didn't have to deal with my problems by myself. Instead, they were there standing next to me, ready to face the whole world. I held them tight.

A moment passed, and Ashley recounted, "Remember how you beat up that guy who picking on me in elementary school. It was at that moment that I knew you were going to be the best big brother I could ever have. I knew from then on that you would always be there for me. Nothing will change how I see or feel about you."

Shane added, "Yeah, and so what? You made one mistake with Corey. We all make mistakes but that's all it is. A mistake. At least you'll be able to go back to focusing on school and football. But still, you'll always be my buddy and we'll always be there for you."

"Thanks," I responded, wiping away a tear that rolled down my face. I felt happy that they still accepted me after everything. But I still wanted to see if Corey was at the hill, hoping that after some time away from me, he would start feeling the same way that Ashley and Shane felt. "But seriously, I gotta go." I got up and walked to the door. "Just lock the door when you guys leave."

I walked out of the house and headed to my car. The sky started to get dark, so I hurried over to the hill. However, by the time I got there, the sun had already set. Corey wasn't here.

Well, now I can just let go of it all. Flashbacks of the relationship Corey and I had raced through my mind. Deep inside, I didn't want to let it go. He was the first person who really understood me and made me feel comfortable being myself. My true self. Not the mask I hide behind. Now, I'm never going to see him again.

Tears started trickling down my face. I sat on the grass, curled up into a ball. I started rocking myself back and forth. I told myself that I was never going to do that to him again. By that, I meant take advantage of Corey, which was exactly what I did when I gave him a blowjob while he was asleep. I don't know why I thought that. I mean, I wasn't going to see Corey again, so it didn't matter. Maybe, I was just hoping some god would miraculously hear my thoughts, understand all the regret I felt in that moment, and magically bring Corey back to me. But, nothing happened. I kept waiting for the pain I was feeling to go away, but the tears kept coming.

After about an hour of letting all my emotions out, I felt like I cried myself dry. I got tired of crying. I wiped my face, took a deep breath, and leaned back on my hands. The grass under my hands was cold. I looked up at the starry sky. I closed my eyes and calmed myself by just listening to the sounds around me. My stomach gurgled. I snorted a little and opened my eyes. I did feel a little hungry. So, I decided to pick myself up and head back to my place.

The drive back took longer than I remembered. This time, I didn't have Corey's teasing and laughing to help me pass the time. Getting over this was going to take some time, but this was one step in the right direction.