Lose Control

4.1

Kiss and Tell,
part one of three

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We were thirteen years old when my twin brother, Jenha, told me he did not want to be a 'boy' anymore. As someone who does not have a single idea then how was that going to be possible, sinabi ko sa kanya na sabihin namin sa parents namin. Sobrang thankful ko kasi close naman kami sa parents namin to say shit like that even if we don't have the full grasp on it.

My parents were kindly amused at first and sat us down on a serious family talk. Sinabi nilang suportado nila ang kambal ko sa kahit anong gusto niyang gawin at maging, pero kailangan naming maghintay hanggang maging eighteen kami.

We were sixteen when I realized that kissing boys will never be my cup of tea. Ang una ko kaagad tinanong sa sarili ko, gusto ko bang maging 'boy'? Jenha's future is already planned. Alam na nila mommy at daddy kung saan kaming bansa magmu-move para mas maayos siyang makapag-transition. Kung gusto kong maging lalaki, isasabay lang nila ako sa plano ng kambal ko.

Gusto ko bang maging 'boy'? Iyan talaga ang una kong dapat sagutin. Do I want something dangling in between my legs? Do I have to be a part of the male species if I don't want to kiss boys? But boys kiss boys too! Lahat ng mga tanong at realization na 'yan, ginulo ang pagkatao ko dahil lang nagkaroon ako ng crush na babae.

Yup, just like any stereotypical lesbian experience, I had a crush on a girl in high school. To put the cherry on top of it, she really had to be my best friend.

Simula noong napagtanto kong crush ko siya, unti-unti ko ring sinagot ang mga tanong ko sa sarili ko. All of them lead to me saying that I don't want to change anything about me. I did not have the same experience as my twin where I had to say I did not want to be a 'girl' anymore. Matter of fact, I like being a girl, and I simply like other girls as well.

So, long story short, after telling Jenha about how I feel, she and my wonderful parents had a serious family talk once again. Sinabi ko sa kanilang hindi pa ako sigurado kung anong 'label' ang meron ako, pero ang sigurado ko lang ay gusto ko rin ng babae. Ang sinabi lang nila sa akin, huwag ko raw kakalimutang pamilya ko sila at mahal na mahal nila ako.

Fast forward to today, I am officially invited to the wedding of my highschool best friend-the very same woman who made me realize I was gay. Magiging ninang pa nga yata ako ng anak nila. See? A very normal Saturday lesbian experience.

"Pwede ka naman kasing 'wag um-attend." Artie, my gay friend turned into a full-time husband, suggested.

His wife, the one I keep joking about as my 'the one that got away', Jia nodded in agreement. "Sabihin na lang natin na ikakasal kami ulit ni Artie. Syempre, mas priority mo kaming puntahan kasi mas love mo kami."

Doon ako natawa. "Kapag talaga kalokohan, nangunguna kayong dalawa."

Nandito kami ngayong sa cafe ni Jenha habang hinihintay ang iba pa naming mga kaibigan. Speaking of my twin sister, nandoon siya sa cashier at tinuturuan ang fiance niyang si Niccolo. Part na ng landian nila 'yan. Vain and Chrys are still on their way, late raw nagising si buntis. Erwan and Levi are—

"Ang ganda naman ni ate mong si Jenhe! Ganyan ba kapag nai-invite sa kasal ng ex?" Speaking of the devils, ganyan ba naman ang ibubungad sa akin ng demonyo.

I was tempted to raise my middle finger but there were kids in the cafe. Mahirap na, baka ma-ban pa ako. "I would straight up kiss Levi and make him mine."

Nag-act offended 'tong si Erwan at ngumisi lang si Levi. I could tell he wanted to join what I started and tease Erwan, but we had a mutual understanding to do it next time.