I've been thinking a lot about loss recently. About loosing people permanently or just for a little while. Whether it be a few hours or forever. Whether it be through moving away or leaving the world completely. I may come across as quite able to talk about the latter through my stories but I can never talk about it directly. I'm not sure why. I have only ever lost one person who I was close to in that way but even then, it was my teacher. My favourite teacher though. He had been since I was in year seven and just started at secondary school. He was my R.E (Religious Education) teacher and he was such an inspiration. To everyone. He died very young of an unexpected heart attack and everyone was shocked and upset. And sometimes when I think about it, I just can't wrap my head around the fact that he was here and then he just. . . wasn't. Like, I just couldn't understand it. I still don't. And I don't like thinking about it so I'm going to stop now.
But I've also been thinking about the less permanent leaving. Like a friend going to a different school. Or a family that was close moving to another country. Or just having a friend not be in your class any longer. No matter how big or how small, it hurts. And sometimes it ends and sometimes it doesn't. But while it's happening, it hurts. I am probably most afraid of being alone yet I don't like people. It's weird and I don't really understand it. I just like my own company and often people get on my nerves or I just like to hang out on my own but I am also really afraid of losing people or being on my own. I don't know, I'm a complex person. I don't know why but I just really wanted to write about this. About people leaving. I think it's my biggest fear.
I don't help myself though, I push people away. A lot. When someone starts to mean a lot to me, I push them away because I feel like they're just going to leave and I'll end up getting hurt. I'm overly cautious you could say. But I really don't do myself any favours. Losing someone or to have someone leave hurts. It always will, there's nothing we can do about it. Whether you push them away or they leave, there is no easy way through it. There never is. You just have to accept it. You don't have to forget them but definitely accept it. I guess that's all I have to say. Never forget, try to accept and move on. That is my advice to the internet. Or to myself I suppose. This is more me writing to myself than to anyone else really but if you find my nonsense entertaining then read ahead.
