Imperfect

3

Darkness. Plain blank darkness. And nothing but a subtle force trying to push me in deeper. There is nothing more left to me, than the feeling of getting rid of all these memories.

Pain. All I felt was sheer pain, and now, after years of being in this pain, it started to feel as normal as waking up after a good night's sleep. No one knew what went on inside my head. And nor did I have the patience to tell anyone about it. I was done. It was enough for me. Being pushed around, being looked down upon. No friends, no family. I had learned to survive each day of it.

Strong. What does it mean to be strong. Is it the feeling of not needing anyone, or is it the feeling of protecting someone. Is it just being more powerful and deadly than others, or is it just another attempt at looking down upon other people.

I am strong. I am strong because I know how to keep up my façade and not let it slip in front of anyone. I'm strong because I know how to not yelp in pain when something is hurting me. I am strong because even though my world is crumbling into pieces right in front of me, I do not scream out for help. I am strong, just because I know how to keep to myself.

But what about the fears that I hide, what about my cowering side, because I'm too scared to let people in. What about how weak my heart is, that I cannot afford to let anyone else play with it. What about the insane amounts of times that I wanted to yelp in pain, but I stopped myself just because I was too scared of letting anyone see my suffering. It was too much for me, to keep myself from running, I was too weak to run away from all the pitiful glances. What about the insecurities I harbored, because I was too scared to be used and thrown away.

What has this world made me? I feel like I'm killing myself. This torture is too much, I don't know if it is something I can bare. I am too bad for some people, I'm too toxic for others. I've ruined thousands of lives just because I was too scared to lose my mother.

Have you ever wondered where did that little angelic girl go? Have you ever thought about the hidden gems in her soul? Did it ever strike you that maybe you shouldn't judge her cover? Or did you just take it to be the best explanation about her little world?

When there are so many voices standing out, When there are so many parades going on to let people know that they are not alone. Then why can't you stop and see that this girl right here has something that she is yearning to show, but being pushed back and not being able to do so.

I'm scared mum, were the words she wanted to say, You think I even care are the ones that escape. I'm so deeply injured are the thoughts that leave, It doesn't even hurt is what she makes people believe.

But who cares about a girl, who is meant to be trouble, who cares about a girl who is too difficult to handle. It might be a mistake is never what people think, she kept all of it at stake is all that comes to their brain.

Tell me people what is it that you see, Through that blindfold that you happily wear. Tell me how hard you tried to escape, so that you could give me a real chance?

There is so much you don't know. There is so much I never shared. But no one ever thought that just maybe, I was just a little scared. I want to know how long you want me to keep up this show. I want to know for how long do I want to be torn.