New Beginnings- (Jesse Polock)

14

I woke up the following morning taking in what happened yesterday, I rubbed my tummy realising our boy wasn’t there anymore and cried. Jesse was still asleep so I climbed out of bed and got changed into a pair of jogging bottoms and a hoody. I grabbed my phone and checked the time. It was 7:15 am, I had a text from Koby asking how I was along with the same from the boys from work. I grabbed my house key and purse and walked out the front door.

I made my way to a corner shop and bought a packet of cigarettes, a lighter and a bottle of vodka then made my way down to the beach. I sat under a cliff edge and pulled my hood over my head. I opened the bottle of vodka and took a swig, it burned my throat but it felt good. I then opened up my cigarettes and lit one. I sat the smoking and drinking for a while. It felt good, made me forget what had happened.

Eventually though the memories came back and I burst into tears again, people on the beach were giving me weird looks. I then lit my lighter until the metal was hot and pushed it into my arm, the pain was such a release. I felt bad about doing it but it felt better, so I did this repeatedly. I then took the lid of the vodka bottle and flattened it so it had a straight edge and I started to drag it over my arm, the blood started to seep through the wound. I then carried on drinking the vodka and slowly fell asleep.

I was woken up by someone nudging me, my sleeve was soaked in blood. I had drank a lot of vodka aswell. I looked up to see one of the bra boys, his name I can’t remember.

“Found her!” he called, “Get Jesse or Koby” he sat next to me and pulled me to him. I was crying again. He tried to soothe me by rubbing my shoulder. Suddenly Koby appeared and the other guy left and Koby sat next to me. He sat me up and pulled me into a hug.

“Come on Rubs” he said hugging me, “I know you lost your son but you’re better than this, Jesse is losing his shit because he can’t find you.” He said kissing my forehead. We stayed like this for a while and I eventually stopped crying I lit a cigarette then went to had another drink but Koby tipped it away.

“Koby!” I shouted at him annoyed, in my drunken state, “I wanted that! It makes me feel better and if I drink enough I might see my son again”

“No you don’t” he said, “Yes you’re upset, I get that, you lost your child. You can’t do this though, you’ve done so well. Jesse loves you more than anything, heck I love you. All of the boys love you, instead of doing this come and find one of us. Please, this kills us.”

“Why do you care so much, I’m a crazy nutter who can’t even carry her own child long enough for him to survive. I’m damaged goods, spent years being assaulted by my uncle.” I said still smoking and crying.

“Because you’re Ruby, you’re one of us. You know the bra boys saying ‘My Brothers Keeper’ you may be a girl, but you’re the kids missus. You’re one of us. Always have been” he said smoking his own cigarette.  Just then his phone went off. “ello, yeah bra she’s here, under the cliff on the beach, yeah bra see you shortly”

I assumed Jesse was coming, that made me feel a bit better. I do love him, actually I feel stupid. What am I doing? Koby is right, I’m better than this. I have an awesome family and an even more amazing boyfriend.

Jesse turned up and pulled me into a hug. I sobbed into his chest. He rubbed the back of my head.

“Shhh Rubs, it’s okay.” He said still rubbing my head

“I’m sorry” I said sobbing

“Why are you sorry” he asked kissing my forehead.

“For being a fuck up, I can’t even carry a baby and now I do this” I said pointing to my arm.

“It’s okay Ruby, it’s not your fault. We’ll get through this okay, me and you. Remember what we said years ago. Jesse and Ruby take on the world? We can do it, you’ve done it before and you’ll do it again.” He said rubbing my arm. I nodded.

“I’m sorry Jesse, I love you you know. I’m stupid sometimes.” I said looking up to him shyly.

“Yes you are” he said smiling and I giggled, “So am I, come on lets go home. Are you coming Koby”

“If you want?” he asked Jesse nodded and stood up. He then pulled me up too my feet, I wobbled a bit. Jesse gestured for me to jump on his back so I did. We then made our way back home.

We arrived home and Jesse sat me down on the sofa and made me a cup of coffee, koby sat in the chair opposite me. Jesse sat next to me as he returned with my coffee and a first aid kit. He started seeing to my arm, it was worse than I thought. I had burn scars up my arm and some deep gouges from the vodka lid. Jesse cleaned the wounds up and I winced at the pain every so often.

“You know we need to name him right?” I said to Jesse after taking a sip of my coffee. He nodded.

“I was thinking James, or Daniel after your dad.” He said and I smiled.

“How about James Daniel Polock?” I said smiling, Jesse nodded.

“That fits” he said smiling, "and a matching tattoo? On our wrists?" I nodded

"It'll have to be my right wrist you know" I said and Jesse nodded

“Ruby, promise me that if you felt like you did this morning again you’d speak to me or Koby? We were so worried” Jesse said wrappping a bandages around my arm, I looked up at him his eyes pleading with me. I really did worry him, I'm an awful person

“We mean it Rubs, you mean so much to us” Koby said, I nodded.

“Okay, I am sorry guys. I’m just stupid.” I replied.

“We know and you’re not, mental health sucks. You know that” Jesse said kissing my forehead. We spent the afternoon talking. Turns out talking works, I felt a lot better by the time I went to bed. Koby had gone an hour or so ago Jesse and I were currently lying in bed.

“I love you so much” I said kissing me.

“I love you too” I said returning the kiss. He held me in his embrace and eventually we fell asleep.

Another sad chapter, I'm sorry. They will get happier I promise. Let me know what you think! xx