How To Live

Chapter Sixteen

By the time I leave Mrs Garston's house darkness has well and truly fallen across town. I wave goodbye to her silhouette standing on the front porch and I walk down the garden path feeling like a different person.

My heart feels a little lighter and my head is a little clearer after spending the afternoon with her, just talking and listening.

I let the hatred and anger I harboured towards Henry Garston boil inside of me for too long, and I know if I had of continued down that path something valuable would have begun to rot inside of me. I would have lost my hope and my faith in humanity.

I now know that Henry was a troubled soul, and I hope he finds the peace he could never quite grasp here on earth. The anger that I had for him dissolved the more I spoke to his Mother and I now feel like I finally found some sort of closure over Tommy's death.

I'm not sure that I will ever be able to forgive Henry for what he did, for what he took from me, but now I can begin to accept the fact that Tommy isn't ever coming back, and I think I can properly start healing myself.

I have now come to realise that I don't need to be this machine that never feels, in fact I need to be the opposite. I need to embrace every emotion that I have and cherish it, because someday if I'm not careful I might let something fantastic pass me by and never even realise it.

Someday I might wake up and realise that I never truly lived, and what a waste of a precious life that would be.

Today I cried, and it felt good. I talked about my emotions and it felt good. I didn't break into a million pieces and I didn't shatter into an unrepairable mess like I always feared I would. If anything, those little cracks that have been inching their way through my heart finally stopped.

Today I let myself take a breath and look around, surveying my damaged surroundings and for once, I did nothing.

I didn't try to help someone else cope, or fix other peoples problems. I just focused on me, and that is something that I need to do from now on. No more giving my parents space, no more avoiding hard issues or skirting around my family like it might crumble if I make one misstep.

I am done with burying my anger and denial and I want to hear the truth.

I deserve it.

I deserve to have my parents stop and think about me for a change. I am a young girl who lost her brother and her best friend, yet they have been treating me like I'm some sort of disease that they can't stand be around for too long because they are scared they will catch it. They are scared they of what could happen.

I don't want to be scared anymore. I want to face life head on, with courage and ambition and a support network that I know I can count on.

Over the past couple of week I have felt like the adult, like the only one in my family who still has their shit together, and I am done feeling that way. I should not have to feel like that, I am a teenager and it is not my responsibility to hold my family together.

Today Mrs Garston stopped and she listened to me. She let me speak and it was as though my voice was like a bird that had been caged for far too long, just waiting to stretch its wings and soar. Everything that I have been feeling and thinking fell from my mouth in a waterfall of emotions and she just sat there and listened to it all.

Despite her own state of grieving she made the time to help me through mine, and that is something I will never forget and shall always be grateful for.

A woman I otherwise would have never crossed paths with, helped me figure out one of the biggest lessons I have had to learn in life.

It is okay to be sad, to be weak and to show emotions. That is what makes us stronger. Asking for help doesn't break us. It unites us. If we stand united we can do anything in the world and overcome any hardships thrown our way.