Friends Don't, But We Do

13. Right...

When he calls that night, I've already gone through every scenario in my head. If Nolan and I start dating, even if things go really well... he's leaving at the end of the summer.

I'm not good at relationships and I'm definitely not good at long distance relationships. I have a bit of a self esteem issue if you haven't noticed. I blame my parents.

And yes Nolan helps with that issue but only when he's here. It's not his fault, it's mine. The point is I would rather avoid the hurt altogether.

So when I answer the phone I've already come to a decision about us. Whatever us is.

"Hey Teegs," he greets happily. I can't stop myself from smiling. The way he says my name just sends butterflies straight to my stomach.

"Nolan," I respond, equally as happy. I would be content to talk on the phone forever. And at first, it seems like that's what we might do. He had a hell of a day at hockey today apparently. He seems to think he was skating better than he has this whole month. And he also seems to connect his new on ice energy to me. Just like that I am reminded of what I have to tell him.

"It's not- Nolan I'm not the reason you're good at hockey. That's all you," I choke out, blushing incredulously.

"Well you are the reason why I was so hype today. You can't argue that," he replies. I decide to indulge. When he talks like this it's easy to forget that I'm supposed to be shutting him out.

"How so?" I ask, a little playfulness back in my tone.

"I mean the girl I've been hung up on for years actually likes me back. I think that's good reason to be a little more excited all day," he explains. His confidence is at such contrast to my nerves about all this. It almost makes me rethink, but I don't.

I sigh. "I do like you," I say quietly, hoping to not have him think that I don't. "But... I was thinking today. And I don't think that, I mean I love hanging out with you and talking to you I just..." I don't know how to say it, I never practiced this part. I don't know how to tell him that I still wanna be friends after this morning we came to some kind of an agreement about pursuing a relationship.

"So you do regret it?" His voice is small and hurt and this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

"I don't regret it. I've had feelings for you for years. But we're apart nine months out of the year and I'm not even good for you- you can do better," I say. I wish this wasn't over the phone, because I could really use a hug from him right now. But maybe it's for the best.

"Teagan," he whispers. "That's not true. Why'd you say that? Can I come over? I feel like we should talk in person."

"It'll be harder in person," I respond. "I'm sorry that this happened and I might have led you on this morning but I didn't think about it until after you left and I just think this will be better for both of us."

He's quiet on the other end. I fear that I've shattered his confidence. Imagine how you would feel if you thought you were being rejected. But I would love to date Nolan, it's nothing he did. But he's still quiet and probably sad but so am I. It's clear that he won't be saying anything anytime soon, so I speak again. "So I should probably go, uhm I have work and stuff tomorrow. I'm sorry again I - uhm have a good night."

And then I hang up.

That night and the whole next day I hear nothing from him. I consider sending him a text asking to hang out after work and hockey, like we have practically everyday, but then I don't. Maybe he needs some time. Our relationship has been through quite the few days.

So I decide to give it about a week before calling him and trying to salvage our friendship.

But it doesn't get that far.

He shows up at my place on a Thursday night. It wasn't super late but it was late enough that I was already in my pajamas and under my comforter. As I trudged toward the front door I had a fleeting feeling of anxiety as I wondered who could be at my door at this hour. But I caught a glimpse of Nolan's hair on his shoulders through the window and knew I had nothing to worry about.

I open the door and pull him inside so that I can shut it quickly... mosquitoes are out with no limitations during this transition to summer.

"Nolan what are you doing here?" I ask, eyes traveling over his T-shirt and bathing suit. Was he swimming? His hair looks maybe a little damp but I can't really tell for sure. "Where were you?"

He swallows and then glances down at his feet and then back to me. His eyes are a little red but if he was swimming, then it could be because of the chlorine.

"I was at Rhett's."

I nod. Rhett's family has the best pool in the neighborhood.

He looks a little dazed. If I didn't know any better I would wonder if he's high, but he doesn't smoke. "Are you okay?"

The question seems to snap some sense into him, his eyes immediately focusing. "Yeah I just... I miss you I guess. It feels weird not talking to you when we live ten minutes from each other."

I nod and then go to sit on the couch. This conversation could be long. He follows and sits on the cushion next to me.

"I miss you too. When we talked yesterday, I didn't mean I didn't wanna be friends anymore," I tell him.

His gaze flickers to my eyes and then away. "You don't think it'd be weird if we just went back to the way it was?"

I shrug. "I don't know, maybe at first. But you're my best friend." It's true, without him I don't have anyone to tell my feelings to like I do to him. I have casual friends, not the kind that you can cry in front of and not be embarrassed.

My words crack a smile out of him, a small smile but still. "I knew it," he says confidently, the smile turning into his familiar smirk. I chuckle and bump his shoulder with mine.

"So then you understand why I don't think we should... be together?" I ask once the laughter fades.

He sighs, his arms coming to rest on his knees as he gazes at the wall across the room. "Yeah... I get it. I mean I'd be a pretty shitty boyfriend being away for so long like that," he says, voice reducing to a mumble by the end.

I shake my head and rest my hand on his shoulder. He doesn't look away from the wall. "Nolan, it's not that you'd be a bad boyfriend. It just wouldn't be fair for you. I mean there's so many girls you can be with, you get to travel all over and... I just don't wanna be in the way," I admit. "And even if you say that you don't care and that I won't be in the way, I will be. And I don't want you to end up resenting me."

He's quiet for a few moments, just staring at the wall and breathing evenly before he looks over at me. "Teegs," he says softly, in a way that makes me melt in my place. "For the last two years I did the whole single hockey player thing that you think you'll get in the way of. And I got to feel what is was like to be with you for like half a day. And I already know what I would choose."

His eyes don't leave mine and without my awareness, my hand on his shoulder has been clenching down harder with every word. My fingers started cramping around his deltoid muscle and that's when I realize and quickly remove my hand. He's still just looking at me, nerves and conviction in his eyes. "I wanna be with you, Teegs. You're better than any random girl at some random bar in some random city. But I get it. It's selfish for me to talk you into this and then up and leave for nine months. But just know that you'd never be in the way of anything."

I take a deep breath through my nose and bite my lip. I don't know what to say. Because I do wanna be with him, really I do. But it doesn't change the fact that someone is gonna get hurt eventually. Being away from a significant other for that long can't be good for a new relationship. Especially since I'm not exactly the strongest person in the world.

Not only am I not strong, I'm weak. I'm physically weak for Nolan and that's why instead of continuing this serious conversation, I just lean forward and kiss him.