Friends Don't, But We Do

14. In Desperate Need

I can feel his body tense as I press my lips to his. After the way I was on the phone, he couldn't have expected that I would kiss him.

And I know I am being unfair to him... confusing to him. But having him tell me he wants to be with me makes me just want to kiss him.

He's not kissing me back though and I find my hands moving to his cheeks and my body sliding on the couch to be closer to him. I'm on the verge of begging him to kiss me back. "Nolan," I mumble against his frozen lips, trying to convey all I'm feeling.

I can't say what he wants to hear, I can't forget all my worries and jump into a relationship with him. But I can't be platonic anymore. I think we're both past that.

The space between our lips is minimal, maybe a centimeter. His eyes are shut and mine are searching, waiting. He sighs, I can feel a slow breath across my face. "I thought..." he says and then trails off, eyes opening slowly and meeting mine.

Suddenly I'm embarrassed by everything I've put him through, all the drama with my conflicting feelings. I look away and my hands drop from his face to my lap. "I want to stay friends," I announce. "But I don't... regret that we slept together."

When I look back up at him, he has a soft smile on his face. He's biting his lip and nods, telling me that he understands.

We're on the same page, at least for tonight.

It feels like home, it feels like it was meant to be. So easy and all-consuming.

The first time, I wasn't able to fully appreciate the sex with him- partly because I was drunk and partly because when I woke up I wasn't willing to dwell on it. But now, I'm starting to remember how good he was with his hands, and how great kissing him was.

Honestly, it makes me a little self conscious. He's probably been with girls with better bodies than me, with more to offer in bed. But the good thing about Nolan is that I forget all that bullshit when I'm with him.

Our clothes are shed as we stumble down the hall and to my room, too engrossed with each other's bodies to be having any other thoughts.

"You wanna do this?" He mumbles against my lips. "Yes," I breathe out, eagerly connecting again. I've never wanted to do anything more than I wanna do this.

We fall onto the bed, him under me but somehow still exerting control. I'm not willing to stop kissing, to stop our intimacy. Even when he pulls away to ask an important question.
"Mm- babe," he murmurs. "Do you have condoms?"

The way he says babe sends a shock of electricity through me. Was his voice always so deep? I'm already breathing heavily and his words of affection aren't calming. "Oh," I say sheepishly, the color of my cheeks matching his. I was so caught up in everything, I almost forgot. "Yeah one sec," I mumble.

I lean over to the bedside table and rummage through the bottom drawer until I acquire one of the condoms. Nolan watches me silently, the moment of quiet enough to make me quickly rethink what is happening. But I only remain committed.

As I settle on my knees, I pass him the small packet. He's smiling at me, but it takes a lot for me to make eye contact.

Tonight when we have sex, it is just as desperate as the first time. Except now we are sober and I can better appreciate him... his body... his hair falling on my face... his power.

"Fuck," he breathes after a little infinity. The sex has been so good, it's only fair for him to get some relief.
I nod and clutch onto his neck as he thrusts in and out, in and out, speed increasing erratically. "Don't stop," I choke out, just saying anything to let him know how good this feels.

He finishes with a low groan, strong body falling on mine and entire chest heaving with breath. I wrap my legs around his now still hips, keeping him inside me and keeping him close. Our breathing is deep and desperate, having just had an intense experience together.

In the time that we lay in that position, it's clear to me that this is meant to be. It's not weird that we've been friends since we were little, it's not weird that we've never been anything romantic before yesterday. Laying here with him planting slow and tired kisses on my shoulder, makes me happier than I've ever felt.

Maybe this can work. Maybe we can have the same friendship we did before, but now just with sex added in.

Without the complication of being committed to each other, his leaving in two months won't feel like I'm being abandoned. We will still be friends but without the sex. It can work.

An hour later, we've moved back to my living room couch with a pizza and an episode of Friends.

It's almost like any other night except for we had sex in my bed. That's new...

And maybe we're sitting closer than usual, but cuddling isn't something foreign either.

We're both silent for a few episodes, but eventually I can't take it. I need to know where we stand. "So, you don't think it's crazy? Being friends but... with benefits?" The phrase is even awkward to say because me and Nolan have been real friends for so long. Adding in those two words feels like it cheapens our actual friendship somehow.

He glances down at me and then back to the television. "I don't think it's crazy. I actually kinda like the idea. That way when I leave I won't be an asshole who leaves his girlfriend for months at a time."

I lightly punch his arm, he's not an asshole and would never be. The fact that he's so hung up on how his life would affect me proves it. "You're not an asshole, Nolan. Would you stop saying that? But this way when you have to leave, hopefully I'll just be the regular amount of sad I get. Instead of being extra sad."

I realize I sound like a child explaining this. But it's hard to tell him I'm in love with him when we've only just recently expanded the boundaries of our friendship.

He nods; of course he would understand what I'm trying to say. "Me too. You think I don't miss you during the season?" He asks with a slight smile in his tone.

We end the conversation there, on a good note. We fall asleep on my couch for a few hours and at around three am, I'm woken by the sound of thunder and rain beating on the windows. Storms in the summer aren't uncommon, and I don't really mind them.

I rub my eyes to focus, the bright light from the television the only thing I can see just waking up. Once my eyes adjust, I realize that I'm tucked into Nolan's chest, both of us laying down on the small couch.

Reluctantly, I know I need to wake him. He has hockey tomorrow- well in a few hours- and I have work. "Nolan," I say and straighten up. He doesn't even budge, and I have to shake his shoulder to get some kind of movement out of him. He groans and rolls onto his side. "Nolan, it's 3am."

His eyes flutter open and he pauses before looking up at me, squinting while his eyes adjust. "3 am?" His voice is hoarse.

I nod. "You should go home," I say. "C'mon I have work and you have hockey soon." I stand from the couch after patting his hip, going to get his sweatshirt from my room. I hear him groan as I walk away. Always such a baby when he's tired.

When I come back he is sitting up, running his hands over his face and through his hair. I stop in the doorway and raise my eyebrows at his disheveled state. "Hey maybe you should stay here tonight," I suggest.

He nods and promptly lays back down, hair falling back in front of his face. I chuckle and move over to the couch. "C'mon Nol, you can sleep in my room." I do not wanna be blamed for him being sore at training tomorrow.

I slip my hands into his and pull, moving him none until he decides to wake up enough to help. We stumble into my bed, getting comfortable under the covers and promptly falling asleep. Not before he mumbles, "Thanks for letting me stay," and nuzzles his face against my cheek.

Maybe the rest of the summer won't be so bad.