A Smile So Alluring | {кιм ѕєσкʝιи ff}✓

I don't deserve to be loved

Love... something which can't be described,only the lucky ones gets to experience.Whereas as unfortunate as I am, I don't dare to imagine being loved.I don't dare to dream of love, even if I do sometimes by mistake I shook the thought from my mind. When I'm home, I look at the mirror and stare at my face. This face never deserved it, and will never do. I stare at my own face until a shred of tear falls down from my cheek and close my eyes, saying "this is what I deserve,tears".

I touch my face so that my hands could feel my scars, I could feel 'em, including the scars on my heart. Even if these scars on my face heals one day, those scars on my heart will never heal no matter what. No matter how happy I feel when I'm with the people I want to be with, no matter how much I laugh for real, no matter how hard I try to smile, even if it's not fake, in the end of the day, I'll be back to being sad. I cannot forget the pain I experienced, I cannot forget how I was being cursed, I cannot forget how unfortunate I am.... Even if these scars heal, I cannot forget that I once had 'em. That is why I say, I don't deserve you.

I have my own thoughts,my own wishes. I also want to be one of those forever happy people, I also want to be happy, laugh and smile. Am I being greedy? Why? If others want more in their life, it's their choice, and if I want just a normal life, I'm greedy... isn't that unfair? But who is going to point out that it's unfair,who is going to stand up for me? I... I can't do it myself, not anymore. I am strong. You call me weak, but can you endure as much pain as I did? Do you have as much tolerance and patience as me? So, aren't I strong! Isn't it hard to do all these? But what will I get out of enduring so much pain? I will only get more in return, which is life. They call it life... when people like me suffers. And when others suffer, they tell them to face it head on and gives them courage. On the other hand I feel like an outcast, will someone care for an outcast? Will someone love someone like me? No!

When the heavens will be on my side, someone might care for me and I will be happy. Someone might want me and I will want them back. But again, I will feel like I don't deserve it because I was always treated that way. Even if there are still few people who cares about me, who loves me, I find it hard to believe. I don't need a fairy tale, neither do I need a romantic love story. All I desire is happiness and a normal life with peace.All I want is...my family to care for me, my friends to love me, people to be polite with me. Is that too much of a desire? Why is it like that only in my case? I helplessly find myself thinking all these for hours and hours instead of doing other works.I find myself being numb and an unbreakable silence. Silence that surrounds me and makes me realise that I am lonely again and again.I try, try hard to push all the thoughts out of my mind, but these damn thoughts keep lingering.I try, but I fail to break the silence.

I hear a voice,my dad's voice. He must be happy up there seeing me frustrated and he must be filled with anger when I find a moment of happiness. His voice keeps repeating and circling around my head. His words, those words were his last words which I can never forget... he left this world while cursing me and making the young and unsure me promise something stupid. When he knew I didn't keep that promise, he kept haunting me in my nightmares. He didn't leave me alone even on my birthday night, which was when I made scars on my face, all by myself. I bled, but his satisfied face came to my mind. I wasn't matured, but he kept disturbing me and finally he knew it worked. I ruinedy own life....

Whatif I ruin others' life, too? Was it really because of me that mom is no more? Was dad actually right? Does that mean the people I am with, the people around me, my grandma, my friends whom I think are my real friends will face it too? Will I ruin their life too? "So how will I expect myself to be happy and to be loved?"

This ugly duckling who said will cry out a river so high that will touch the sky, has no more tears left to cry. This ugly duckling will always remain ugly even after her outer self turns beautiful to look at or even if people say her inner self is beautiful, she will still remain ugly. Because she is me,I am an ugly duckling who will always feel something ugly about myself.

I can never turn into a Swan.A mere ugly duckling can never turn into a Swan. As, " a mere sparrow can't understand the intentions of a wild goose".That is the end of my thoughts like everyday, I will end it thinking that I don't deserve to be loved.

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A/N: m back after so long and worked really hard to write this ch. I put my own emotions so that the ch feels real and so that I could portray the feels of the main character 🍃🌿

나는 나만의 감정을 표현했다.

[Edited, No error]