My Thoughts, Hopes and Dreams

Hey, I miss you

I know it's only been two days but I miss you. I miss the excitement of waking up and checking my phone for a message, really anything from you. I miss falling asleep to the sound of voice through the phone late at night and the gentle hum of your heavy breathing through the line. I miss the way that talking to you could turn my whole day around. I miss how just looking at you could put the biggest smile on my face. I miss you. And I wish there was more to us than this. I wish I'd told you I love you more times than I did. I wish I'd held your hand tighter and held your body closer to mine. I wish I kissed your lips longer and harder. I wish I didn't start petty arguments and when they happened I wish I ended them sooner. I wish I didn't bombard you with my problems and completely disregard your own. I wish something shifted in me before now. I wish I tried harder to fix myself so I could give you more. I wish i gave you the love you deserved instead of my mediocre attempt at it. I wish I'd done something sooner. I wish I was with you now instead of missing you. But all my wishing and missing won't bring you back. Maybe this time though, God will hear my prayers and my desperate cries for help. He'll see me cry myself to sleep each night and watch the tears roll from my eyes as soon as I wake. He'll hear my heart shatter at the thought of you because surely someone else must be able to hear the ear piercing shriek it makes. He'll see the way my knees buckle underneath me as I look around and everything in my room reminds me of you. And maybe just once, maybe this time, he'll do something to bring you back to me.

Mostly, I wish we'd been more. We went further than just 'friends'. Maybe we would've laster longer that way. Maybe we wouldn't have. Maybe I spent so long denying there was anything really between us that it became a reality and everything that was between us, whatever it was, vanished and shrivelled inside of you. And just as quickly as I found my heart becoming yours, I lost every title you once associated with my name. I was reduced to 'just a girl I used to know'. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that I lost it or the fact that slowly I could see you moving me down the ranks. Our conversations became less engaged until you simply replied with one worded responses of yeah or ok or lol or rip or the occasional oh well. The energy decreased. The phone calls became less until I was just sitting looking at your roof listening to the tap of the controller as minecraft resumed my place. I watched you spend less time with me, want to spend less time with me. It crushed me. All I wanted was you. For such a long time I felt like I was falling down a never ending pit, trying desperately to grasp on to anything that would make you stay a little bit longer and help me pull myself out. But no pits last forever. Eventually, I hit the bottom. I was unsuccessful. I had failed. And now I sit on the cold floor of this God forsaken hole in my heart and watch you walk away because you don't need me anymore. I know I won't be in this pit forever. I know it won't last. But the pain will. The scars will remain on my body forever. In my heart forever. So for now, I build a boat out of the good memories, the forgotten I love you's and the pictures, because believe me when I say they hold me tight in this time of grief. I hold my knees close to my chest as I sit in the safety of my little boat and I let my tears fill the pit. Soon I will have filled it to the top and I will have floated upon the water. Once I've reached the top, then and only then, will I be able to walk away from it all. I will climb out of my little boat and I will walk for as long and as far as I can. But I will always be reminded of it. Because the little boat stays inside the pit, filling up the hole in my heart with your name written in shaky letters on it.

I don't really know what to say to people when they ask what happened. I don't really know what to tell myself. It feels wrong telling people we broke up because we never came to the stage of being able to break up. But I can't bring myself to tell people he didn't want me anymore. Sometimes I give in and tell people the same recurring lie we told ourselves. I tell them that we were nothing more than friends. But last time I checked, friends don't kiss your neck. Maybe I have my definition of friends wrong. If I close my eyes and think I can almost taste your lips against my tongue again and for a moment I can find peace and a small smile can reveal itself. If I try really hard I can feel you, I can feel your hands on my body and I can feel your face in my hands and I can be taken back to when everything was good and okay between us. However, just as the sun comes out the rainclouds suffocate it. I try not to think about it but I do. The beast that calls itself jealousy rules my body at the thought of someone, anyone else getting to taste you. The thought of anyone else being able to feel your warmth against their skin. Anyone else being able to feel your hands roam their body like you've done it for a hundred years. I miss that too. I miss knowing that you'd always be there for me and that I'd always have someone to run to at the end of the day. That is when I can't stop the tiny tears from rolling down my cheeks. I don't think I can pretend to be okay with it anymore surely someone hears me breaking at 1 A.M. too.