My Thoughts, Hopes and Dreams

Today

Today I feel numb. I have no real motivation to do anything a part from staying in my bed. Everything seems 10 times harder than before. But at least you're talking to me again; even if it's not like it was before. We have to start somewhere. I still miss it. I'm trying not to but I do. I don't cry as much now though. I think I'm starting to get used to it. Maybe the pit is starting to fill up already. I don't think so. You sent me an x today I don't know what that means. I want it to mean that you still love me and haven't given up just yet. Maybe you were just being nice. I don't know and I don't want to ask. I want to ask you if you think we could try again later. I want to ask you if you think there could be a chance of us going back to what we were and things settling back to how they were. But I know you'll get mad if I ask and I'll start yet another argument. I still find myself going to sleep and wishing I was sleeping with you, holding your hand instead of being alone in my big, empty, cold bed. I still find myself dreaming about you. I wish I didn't want you this badly but even more so I wish you wanted me just as badly. I keep backtracking trying to find the place where it all went wrong. I don't know where it is. One day everything was fine. The next it wasn't. 

I found a note you gave me tucked away yesterday. I cried for hours after reading it. Then I found a drawing you did. More tears. I keep rereading the note. It makes me feel better and worse at the same time if that's even possible. Just for a moment I can remember just how old things were. How truly happy I was. And then I crash back down to the harsh reality that what if you are giving letters like that to other girls now. I crash back down to the harsh reality that I'm not happy anymore. I fear that you were the only thing that could pull me up enough to see happiness and bask in it's sunlight. Now I don't even remember what makes me happy anymore. I don't remember how to be happy anymore. I just want you to come back and slot yourself back into the puzzle that is me and make me whole again. 

Today I want to try and get up. You told me to focus on me and improve myself. I said I'd do it for myself but secretly I'm hoping if I do it, you'll take me back. I want you to love me again. And if I have to work on my flaws and better myself I will do it. I probably should do it anyway but I've never had a reason so I've never bothered to pay any real attention to my mental health. I'm starting by letting go of the past. I feel like I spend all my time reliving my past, living in the moments that made me miserable as a child. I'm letting all of those go. Except for you obviously. Next I'm going to start working on my self image. I'm going to try and look in the mirror and pick out the things I like about myself rather than the things I despise. After that I want to focus on not saying sorry for everything and blaming myself. That is the big one. That's the thing that made you angry the most. Although until you give me a reason for your sudden change of heart I will continue to think I did something wrong to change your mind. I don't want to be so negative on myself all of the time because that's not good for me. 

Once I fix all of these things I will be ready to give my full, better self to you again. This time without the emotional baggage. This time I will have fixed myself first so I can be there for you like you needed me to be. Then I can tell you I love  you again. I can hold your hand again. I can hug you again. I can kiss you again. I can feel your hands on me again. I can laugh with you again. I can admire you again. Everything will be good again. I just have to do it fast enough so you don't leave before I'm done fixing things.