Horrible Histories Script Book [IN PROGRESS]

Series 1: Episode 2

(opening theme plays)

MALE NARRATOR: Measly Middle-Ages.

SKETCH 1

MOTHER: What on earth are you doing?

CHILD: Bleaching dad's tunic.

MOTHER: In that?

CHILD: Yeah, you told me to.

MOTHER: No I didn't.

CHILD: You said, if I go to the loo in a bucket and leave it to ferment for a while, it makes a great bleach for washing dad's tunics.

MOTHER: I meant when you go number ones, sweetheart.

CHILD: Oh. I was gonna say, it doesn't look very white.

SHOUTY MAN: Hi, I'm a shouty man! And I'm here to tell you about new Pee-Sil non-bio! Tired of your clothes smelling of number twos? Then why not wash them in number ones! Pee-Sil is the only detergent to use 100% recycled water. Let's just look at these results. Compared to water from the river, the fermented piddle in Pee-Sil is up to a bit per cent better at removing stubborn dirt and grime.

MOTHER: And it has the fresh smell of old pants.

SHOUTY MAN: So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today!

END OF SKETCH 1:

MIDDLE-AGES MAN: So, you think that's disgusting? Well, in the Middle-Ages, lots of people went to the toilet through holes in the floor, straight onto the street below.

SKETCH 2:

COUNCILMAN 1: We need to improve the toilets in our fair city as a matter of urgency.

COUNCILMAN 2: I quite agree, Councilor. It's fast becoming a real problem.

COUNCILMAN 1: I mean, these new-fangled upstairs toilets are all very well, but sticking your bottom through a hole and pooing directly onto the street does have it's disadvantages for the passers-by.

COUNCILMAN 2: Yes, but you have to say, it's better than the old days, when people used to throw whole buckets of poo out of the window.

COUNCILMAN 1: Hm. It is an improvement, granted, but I don't think it's the best solution.

COUNCILMAN 2: Yes, this is the Middle-Ages. I mean, surely someone can come up with a better system than just having it land in the street.

COUNCILMAN 1: Hm. We could have it land in the river. You put public toilets on the bridge, people stick their bottoms through holes, and then poo directly into the water.

COUNCILMAN 2: Well, that's brilliant Councilor. Hang on, what about the boatmen passing underneath?

COUNCILMAN 1: Well, are you a boatman?

COUNCILMAN 2: No.

COUNCILMAN 1: Nor I. So it's settled. Public toilets on the bridge it is.

(music plays)

COUNCILMAN 2: And the sooner the better.

COUNCILMAN 1: Yeah.

COUNCILMAN 2: You've got some...

COUNCILMAN 1: Yes, I know.

END OF SKETCH 2

SKETCH 3

SHOUTY MAN: So try new Pee-Sil non-bio today! Wee! And the dirt is gone. And we only use natural ingredients: Water, Salt, Liver Bile, and Stinky Stuff! For that yellowish tinge that means clean!