Horrible Histories Script Book [IN PROGRESS]

Series 1: Episode 4

('Opening Theme' plays)

MALE NARRATOR: Smashing Saxons.

SAXON WOMAN: In Saxon Britain, arguments between families could really get out of control, like in EastEnders, only with lots more blood.

SKETCH ONE

SAXON MAN 1: I am bushed.

SAXON MAN 2: Your dad killed my dad!

SAXON MAN 1: That's only because your dad killed my uncle!

SAXON MAN 2: Your uncle deserved it for stealing my grandma's horse!

SAXON MAN 1: That was because...because...You know, I can't remember that far back. This blood feud between our two families has lasted so long, hasn't it?

SAXON MAN 2: It has, hasn't it?

SAXON MAN 1: Hasn't it?

SAXON MAN 2: Anyway, your dad killed my dad and I demand revenge!

SAXON MAN 1: Ow! I liked that arm! That was my favourite! Right, I'm going to show you, then!

SAXON MAN 2: Okay! Ah! I'll get you for that!

SAXON MAN 1: Not if I get you first!

SAXON WOMAN 1: Oi! You killed my husband! I demand revenge!

SAXON WOMAN 2: Oi! Did you just kill my husband?

SAXON WOMAN 1: Yeah! Because he killed my husband first!

SAXON WOMAN 2: Yeah, but only because his dad killed his uncle!

KING: Whoa, whoa! Knock knock! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, now. This blood feuding is getting out of hand.

SAXON WOMAN 2: Who are you?

KING: I'm the King of Anglo-Saxon England. Don't you recognise me from the coin?

SAXON WOMAN 1: Oh, my gosh! You're like, so much sweatier in person.

KING: Well, I've just run up a hill, haven't I. Right to stop all this feuding, I've come up with a new law. Okay, it's called Weregeld. What it means is, if you commit a crime, you have to pay money to the victim or their family. Okay? It's very, very simple: small crimes cost less, big crimes cost more.

SAXON WOMAN 2: All right, then.

SAXON WOMAN 1: Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

KING: This is...all the time...Well, one-hundred shillings. So, if you could pay that across.

SAXON WOMAN 1: Thanks very much. Now get a load of this. Ha ha, right. So, how much do I pay her family? Like two-hundred shillings, or something?

KING: I don't think she has any family left now, has she? And this is getting ridiculous. Okay, new law: You have to pay the King now, because she hasn't got any family. So new law.

SAXON WOMAN 1: I'd complain, but I haven't got a leg to stand on.

END OF SKETCH ONE

RATTUS RAT: It's true. And 100% accu-rat-e. The Weregeld Law meant if you killed someone, you had to pay their family. But if you just hurt them a bit, you only had to pay for the bit you'd hurt. So, cut of a big toe, that's twenty shillings. Cut of a nose, sixty shillings. Wonder how much it is if you cut of a tail. Bet the three blind mice were never paid by the farmer's wife.

SKETCH 2

MALE NARRATOR: Saxons really were a vicious bunch, and they were very superstitious too.