Horrible Histories Script Book [IN PROGRESS]

Series 1: Episode 5

('Opening Theme' plays)

MALE NARRATOR: Awful Egyptians.

MUMMY: In Ancient Egypt, we had some pretty funny ideas about what made you look good.

(laughter)

SKETCH ONE

ADVERTISER: Hey girls, do you want to keep up to date with all the latest ancient Egyptian trends in makeup, hair and fashion? Then you need to get new 'Pharaoh Phashion' magazine! In this weeks issue, we'll show you the hottest, and we mean hottest, new hair accessories.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 1: I love my new wax cone! It's so stylish, I'm never taking it off, because I can't! It's melted into my hair! Ow! Really hot!

ADVERTISER: And bold, new hair fashions! Don't follow the flock, wear a sheep's wool wig.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 2: I look baa-eautiful!

ADVERTISER: Plus, this season's must-have makeup. There's luscious lipstick, made from red powder.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 2: Mixed with fat.

ADVERTISER: And fabulous eyeliner made from black lead.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 2: It also works as a sun block and fly deterrent.

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 1: And I thought I looked ridiculous! Ha-ha!

EGYPTIAN WOMAN 2: Darling, you do.

ADVERTISER: And we reveal the very latest fashion from Ancient Egypt.

EGYPTIAN MAN: And you thought you had nothing to wear.

ADVERTISER: Yes, you too can go naked, like an Ancient Egyptian peasant. So, for all the latest from the world of Egyptian fashion, don't miss 'Pharaoh Phashion' magazine! Yours to buy for only three radishes and two onions.

END OF SKETCH ONE

MUMMY: So, what could be weirder than wearing a wax cone on your head? Well, this could. Ha-ha!

SKETCH TWO

ADVERTISER: Say, "Goodbye, toothache." Say, "Hello, healthy teeth and gums," with new Mouse Fresh Max, a revolution in tooth care direct from Ancient Egypt. It's so easy to use! Just take one live mouse, chop it in half and pop it into your mouth while it's still lovely and warm, as recommended by leading Ancient Egyptian dentists.

EGYPTIAN DENTIST: I recomment Mouse Fresh Max for healthy teeth, every time.

ADVERTISER: Mouse Fresh Max, packed to the max with dead mouth freshness.

EGYPTIAN DENTIST: It's mouseerriffic!

ADVERTISER: Egyptian Mouse Fresh Max gives a whole new max freshness for maximum fresh freshness, with the great taste of dead mouse.

END OF SKETCH TWO

FEMALE NARRATOR: An Ancient Egyptian cure for blindness involved mixing honey with mashed up what? A: Pig's eyes, B: Goat stomachs or C: Crocodile bottoms? The answer is...A! Mashes up pig's eyes. You poured the mixture into the patient's ear.

MALE NARRATOR: Ruthless Rulers.

SKETCH THREE

FRENCH GUARD: The Abbot of Pain, milord.

KING LOUIS XI: Oh, thank heavens you're here, my little Abbot! I was so very bored, but now, you can amuse me.

ABBOT: Yes, King Louis?

KING LOUIS XI: You have a flair for making musical instruments. Make me one that is totally preposterous and highly amusing. The most incredible musical instrument there ever was! Succeed, and you will curry favour at court. Fail, and you will find yourself on a spike.