Horrible Histories Script Book [IN PROGRESS]

Series 1: Episode 3

('Opening Theme' plays)

MALE NARRATOR: Wicked Witches.

STUART MAN: People had believed in witchcraft for centuries, but in the Stuart era, we just loved accusing innocent people of being witches.

SKETCH 1

ADVERTISER: Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault?

(screaming)

ADVERTISER: Trip or fall at work?

(screaming)

ADVERTISER: Suffered a personal injury or sickness? Then you could have been cursed by a witch. So get in touch with Witchfinders Direct. We'll find some innocent woman, say she's a witch, and have her burnt to death. Farmer Pocket of Crawley lost all his cabbages, when they were eaten by slugs. He lost literally several shillings. So he called in Witchfinders. And we decided the slugs had been sent by the strange old woman who lived in the village. Yes, her.

OLD WOMAN: It wasn't me.

ADVERTISER: Yes it was. She's old and warty and looks a bit evil, don't you think? So we had her dragged away and given a fair trial. Do you have a cat?

OLD WOMAN: Yeah.

ADVERTISER: Then thou art a witch! She was put to death and her cat sent to prison. So if you have anything go wrong in your life, call Witchfinders Direct. We'll find some innocent old woman, and blame her for it.

Witchfinders, because old ladies deserve it.

MAN: In the 1600's confessing to be a witch could result in burning. Not confessing to be a witch could result in being tortured until you said you are a witch. Then in burning. Not all witches were burnt. Other punishments included: forced fasting, exile, hanging, beheading, stoning and gouging.

END OF SKETCH 1

SKETCH 2

STORYTELLER: Time again for our fairy tale series, where the stories are re-told in different historical settings. Today: 'The Frog Prince', the Stuart version. The beautiful princess had promised to kiss the frog.

PRINCESS: But it's a frog!

KING: You promised!

PRINCESS: Oh.

STORYTELLER: And her father, the King, insisted she keep that promise.

PRINCESS: Alright.

STORYTELLER: So, kiss the frog she did. And the frog turned into a handsome prince. The princess was delighted! She wanted to marry the prince straight away and live happily ever after. But everyone had just seen her turn a frog into a person, and in Stuart times this was pretty conclusive proof that she was a witch.

KING: Guard!

STORYTELLER: So, the King had the Princess taken away and be burned at the stake. The end.

END OF SKETCH 2

RATTUS RAT: I don't mind witches myself, its the black cats that give me the creeps! Many people also believed in witchcraft in the Middle Ages.

SKETCH 3

(music plays)

HOST: Hello and welcome to The Middle Ages Witchcraft Show. Today, I'll be showing you how to kill an enemy: witch style.

(music plays)

HOST: For this, you'll need some soil from a new grave, the rib of a rich woman burnt to ashes, a black spider, the sap of an elder tree and of course, an enemy.