Horrible Histories Script Book [IN PROGRESS]

Series 1: Episode 1

(OPENING THEME PLAYS)

MALE NARRATOR: Rotten Romans.

ROMAN: When people died in Roman times, we had some really funny ideas about how to give them a good send-off.

SKETCH ONE:
ROMAN VICAR: And above all, Messiunas was a wise and noble man, who would only ever beat his slaves when it was absolutely necessary. He will be sorely missed by us all. But now, for the fight.

(cheering)
(fight! fight! fight! (continues))

ROMAN 1: What on earth's going on?

ROMAN 2: Oh, it's a fight.

ROMAN 1: But why?

ROMAN 2: Oh, it's the latest Roman thing. You get your two favourite slaves to fight to the death in front of your graveside.

ROMAN 1: Whatever for?

ROMAN 2: It's very noble. The loser's like a sort of sacrifice to the dead man, you know, keep his soul company? But the best thing is, it's really good fun to watch.

ROMAN 1: So, it's sort of catching on then?

ROMAN 2: Oh yeah, a friend of mine died last month, had three fights. That means three more funerals and three fights at each one. That makes nine funerals. I tell you, it's like wall-to-wall funerals for weeks now, brilliant.

(cheering ends)

ROMAN VICAR: Which one was that?

ROMAN 3: Um...Marcus.

ROMAN VICAR: We are gathered here today, to mark the passing of Marcus. He was a good slave.

ROMAN 1: I can't believe all this.

ROMAN 2: Oh, this is nothing. My uncle, Centillus had it written in his will that he wanted a fight to the death, between two beautiful women.

ROMAN 1: Seriously?

ROMAN 2: Yeah. His funeral's in ten minutes.

ROMAN 1: It's disgust...can I come?

ROMAN 2: Yeah. You've got to pretend to be sad until the fight starts.

ROMAN 1: Oh yeah, no problem.

END OF SKETCH ONE:

RATTUS RAT: It's horrible, but it's true! Roman's loved watching slaves fighting at funerals. In fact, they loved it so much, that someone had the bright idea of putting the slaves in stadiums and calling them gladiators. Rat-a-tat-ta! Gladiators were trained in gladiator schools, not like your schools, but do you know, it'd be funny if they were.

Sketch Two:
STUDENT 1: Teachers coming!

TEACHER: Hail Rome class. Very good to see you all working hard, but I'm afraid we must push on. All right, can someone tell me where we got to yesterday?

STUDENT 2: Sir!

TEACHER: Yes Abacus?

STUDENT 2: Maths sir. We were counting how many criminals heads we could chop off in one contest.