Just Perfect

chapter 4

As my eyes begun to open that morning, I was blinded by the sunlight that streamed through a crack in the curtains over the windows.

Beacons of light pierced into the dark room, I watched the rays as they hit the floor.
It brought me a little comfort to be in the dark.

As I rose from my bed with a bothered conscience, thoughts to defend my actions rose along with me.

you can't always make your brother happy
you have done all you can to protect him this far
he can manage on his own.
you made the right call.

Did I?

Those little statements still weren't enough to erase my feelings of guilt. Pushing all this to the back of my mind I decided to walk into the bathroom and get ready for the day.
Desperately needing to feel as though I had even a little bit of control.

The bathroom had an earthy feel. Apart from the essentials, the room was empty. I liked a minimalistic look.

The light in the bathroom was bright and sterile, lacking even a trace of warmth this particular morning . Imperfections on my skin would shine like tin foil and without clothes on, there was nowhere to hide.

These scars were more than blemishes on my skin, they were the story of how far I had come, how much I had survived, I would only hide them to stop people from wondering, that way I would not have to constantly tell my story, or explain myself, it was stressful to talk about it all the time.

Once I was dressed and ready, I walked out of my room to make breakfast and plan the day. The laughter between Stella and Paul died down as I entered the room, I was hurt, but decided to let it go.

"Good morning guys." I said curtly.

"Hey. " Paul spoke flatly. It was clear he was still mad about the previous day.

"Good morning to you ." Stella said in a chipper tone that made me smile, my friend has always been the best person to lift a mood.

"Stella do you have plans today?" I begun "I need someone to go with Paul to his physical therapy session."

"So now you care about the things I need to get done?" Paul came in.

"Don't say such things, I always care."

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that, if it helps you sleep at night." With that final statement, he took his crutches and limped out of the room.

Sighing, I turned away from Stella. I felt weak and I couldn't let her see that.

I was always the one that needed help. The one that couldn't make decisions on my own.

I was always the one that needed to be comforted. The one that complained.

I was always the lesser friend. The leech.

"He's just angry, don't let it get to you." Her tone was soft and comforting.

"I would do anything for him, just not right now, he wants me to work out of the house at this time, I can't ..I just.. I... I..."

"Hey, hey. Calm down, it's okay."

"It's not, he'll lose his scholarship if I don't do it." I groaned loudly "I'll go talk to him, the man who came over the other day. Maybe he'll change his mind about all this." My eyes searched hers, hoping she would talk me out of it.

She knew I wanted her to talk me out of it and I knew she wouldn't ,but I waited eagerly for her words, "That's a good idea sweetie, you should try it. And don't worry, I'll take Paul for his session." With that she gave me a hug and left me to my thoughts.

Being by myself always made my mind wonder.
It was a dangerous place, my mind was, always reminding me of what I had lost as a teenager and I didn't want that for Paul. I didn't want him thinking back and wishing things were different.
I didn't want him to ever feel that he didn't have the best as was possible.

Although he was still young at the time, but I never, ever wanted him to remember.