My life /thoughts

feel?

What's it like to be happy for a whole week cause I never am.My mom always says let's move out of our house no point in keeping it when were behind on bills.She always finds something to complain about so I tell her if she wants to move so badly then let's stop talking and get to it.I'm so used to getting something good or getting told something and it either gets taken away or doesn't happen.Then I have a brother who says I dress like a hooker when I wear makeup or do anything and I tell my mom to ask him to stop and she doesn't .She tells me to ignore him but how can I when I'm already insecure and I got called a slut by one of my close friends and it sticks with me and I'm always self conscious about what I wear or look like and there's very rare moments where I feel good about myself .Then I make people feel bad by being myself so I guess I feel like a fuck up kinda like I can't do anything .I can be happy for a day or have the happiest day then it crumbles down every time or I'll be in a good point in my life and it gets taken away.I never thought I would be so sad or empty to the point where I physically hurt myself and I did and I'm so scared to open up about it .I told to people I trust but I don't wanna tell my mom because I know she'll cry and blame herself.I don't want to tell my therapist and get put on pills but idk what to do anymore .I'm broken but look like the happiest person .I want so.done to look at me and notice my pain and not cry and blame themselves but help me and say are u OK cause I need that but no one notices unless it gets to hard to hold tears anymore and there noticeable . Its what I do ho through life everyday with a fake smile or no emotion and I still feel and when I get yelled at for something so stupid or feel targeted I snap and I don't mean to .I just wanna have a week where I don't fake a smile and I'm not broken but I don't wanna die I just wanna feel something.When u cut it takes away stress watching the blood is calming u don't need to be sad to do it .It makes u feel something when you've been struggling to but I don't wanna die I wanna live but I'm trying to get better and I hope I can be happy and it will last.