Summer Solstice

Love And Fears

{I crossed the room in only a few short steps and my hand hit the doorjamb, ready to shove myself outside. To run away.}

I tried to push myself out the door, but my feet wouldn't move. All I could hear was the roaring inside my head, telling me that leaving was wrong. I could hear the rush of blood in my ears, the pounding of my own heart.

I stared out the doorway, past the porch, and into the night. My body was wreaking havoc with my mind, telling me that out there was where it was safe, but my heart was telling me to stay, like I would be cutting out a piece of myself, if I left now.

I listened for the sound of Konai running after me, for something. The only sound I heard was Maggie's dishes clinking together and the water running as she undoubtedly was filling her teapot. I took a deep breath and turned slowly, not knowing what to expect.

Konai was laying just where I had left him. His hands were over his face, his palms pressed into his eyes, and his body trembled. A memory of Patu's words whispered through my head.

"Don't let him down."

The aching in my chest intensified, making it hard to breath. This is what his father had meant. I turned and took one hesitant step back into the room. The ache dulled a bit, but the pull was still there. Only it was a need to go to Konai, to tell him everything was okay. To stay.

One small step after another, I moved quietly back to his side. His breathing was heavy and labored, and his arms seemed to shake. As slowly as possible, I lifted the chair off the floor, and sat it upright by Konai's side. I sat, unsure and unsteady, and watched him. I didn't know exactly what to say, or do, so I reached up and placed my hand gently on his arm.

He stopped moving, it even looked like he stopped breathing. For a moment I held my breath too, not knowing what his reaction would be. His hands moved from his face, and he turned to look at me. His cheeks were red and splotchy, and I watched as his eyes faded from black to the soft warm brown that I loved.

We stared at each other for a while, unsure of what to say. The silence was becoming painful, so I leaned forward and rested my head on his shoulder. He took one deep shuddering breath and I slid my hand from his arm down to his hand, and wove my fingers with his.

No, I didn't understand what was going on, and yes, it scared me. But this was Konai, a boy I had grown up with, a boy I cared about. And I needed to be there for him. Leaving him just wasn't an option, no matter how frightened I was. I knew that he wasn't going to hurt me.

He shifted his weight, and his other arm curled around me, his fingers brushing down my cheek. I hadn't realized until then how cold I was, and I savored the warmth of his body wrapped around me. He pulled back and looked at me, but still said nothing. I jumped as the door banged open.

"Okay you two, tea's on. I'll have breakfast on in a bit. Andrea dear, do you want to shower before school?" Maggie placed the platter she carried onto the small table next to us.

"What?"

"It's Monday dear, you two will have to be heading off to school in a bit, it is your last week." She winked at me and I scanned the room for a clock. It was already six o'clock. "I have to call Homer!"

She smiled and patted my shoulder, "No need, he knows where you are. Already dropped your bag off. Did you want to clean up?" They way she said that had me checking myself, and I gasped. My clothes were covered with dirt, twigs, and clumps of mud. No doubt from sleeping on the floor of the small shelter. I touched my face and cringed as my fingers came away even dirtier than they already were.