Karmagisa: No Longer Breathing

05

It's been a few hours since I've spoken to the nurse Irina. In actuality, I didn't say much to her when she asked about it. Afraid, that's what kept me from spilling everything about the guilt and regret concentrating horribly around my heart. Even when I said no, she didn't take it as a valid answer.

Irina knew right away that I was not okay nor was I mentally stable. By then, I couldn't help but to beg to the nurse to not tell my mom about these dark thoughts. I don't want her to worry about me and end up neglecting herself to take care of me.

So when we finished talking, the nurse assured me that she wouldn't say anything for the time being until I was comfortable telling her myself. Though, in the meantime, she will continue to monitor my mental health.

After that conversation, I spoke to my mom briefly before she went to work. She kissed my cheek and brushed my hair back, telling me that she'll visit again tomorrow. Having her treat me so kindly when I decided myself that I didn't want to continue living really made me despondent and more guilty. But I can't help them, these dark thoughts that drag me deeper and deeper into the bottomless ocean of pure numbness.

"Well? Is it true then?"

With my headboard raised slightly at an angle, I was able to sit up slightly without needing to put that much stress on my back. I gazed over to where the voice had appeared from and it was the guy from before.

"What?" I asked.

"That you're suicidal?" He whispered, inching closer as if he was going to fall off the ledge.

"Who and what are you exactly? You're not human right?" I shrouded my face. "Are you my subconscious?"

He gleamed and scooted off the ledge, landing on his feet lightly without sound.

"My name is Nagisa, I am your guardian angel."

I let out a chuckle and that turned into gross laughs, I'm really losing it. I'm going crazy. I took both my hands and placed pressure on both sides of my head, maybe if I close my eyes and think that he'll go away, he'll disappear.

A few minutes passed and I couldn't hear him anymore. First, I peeked and then gradually opened my eyes again and I could no longer see him.

"Why were you laughing like that?"

Startled, I leaned away from where the voice was most prominent. On the right, Nagisa sat on the side of the bed and waited for a reply.

"Your laughs sounded painful." He commented with a solemn expression.

"And why does that matter, isn't it natural?" I sighed, accepting the fact that my mind was finally collapsing altogether, making no sense at all.

"Because I'm your guardian angel." He said touching my hand and on reflex I pulled it away. He slightly pouted and turned his head to face the window, "you don't believe me?"

"How could I?" I spoke.

Nagisa stood up and started to take off his shirt.

"W-What are you doing? Don't tell me you're going to strip." I blurted out of confusion.

"It's the only way." He held the shirt in his hand and dropped it on the floor.

That was when grey and black feathers started floating downwards from behind him. And before I could comprehend anything, wings started sprouting from his back as he turned to side for me to see. The wings grew and the feathers thrusted out with power, the dazzling blackness of each feather sparkled despite the dullness.

Nagisa shyly avoided eye contact and rubbed his arm, I could tell he was embarrassed.

"There." He said as his wings flapped, the gust of wind giving me a cool breeze.

"If you're my guardian angel, why are your wings black? Aren't they supposed to be white?" I questioned.

Nagisa timidly glanced over and shook his head. He picked up his shirt and tried to put it back on. As he was able to get the shirt around his neck, his wings dispersed and the essence of glowing particles was left over. The wings vanished and he was able to properly wear the shirt again.

"They represent your soul." He said, "they're tainted because you've lost your piece of mind."

"Really now?" I said unconvinced.

"As your guardian angel, my existence is to guide you out of your dysphoria, your suffering." Nagisa walked closer to me and smiled.

A pinkish-orange light fell on him and I clocked my head to notice that the sun was setting. The room felt calmer and more settling for some reason. As I turned back, he was gone.

"I knew it." I said aloud, rubbing my head.

KNOCK, KNOCK

The door knob twisted and Irina entered with a tray in her hand.

"Your mom said that you have early dinners. Hopefully you have an appetite?" She wondered while placing the tray on a mobile table with wheels, rolling it over to the bed.

Staring at the clock, it was 5pm. I always had irregular eating schedules but my mom never made a fuss. In fact, she would strive to follow them especially during school vacations and when she had days off.

"How are you feeling?" She asked while watching the monitor after she set up my meal.

"Could be better." I replied and thanked her for the meal. She placed her hand on her hips and noticed something on my bed.

"What's this doing here?" Between thumb and index finger was a long bold and black feather. She placed it into the light and checked the window. "That's strange, a bird couldn't have gone in."

"Huh? Let me see." I reached out my hand and she placed it on the palm.

"Did someone visit you?" The she raised her brow.

"N-no. Other than my mom but she didn't leave this behind." I spoke.

"Hm. That's strange." Irina shrugged and tapped her finger on the table, "get eating." And after that, she left, closing the door behind her.

Aside from eating, I was distracted by the existence of the feather. Could Nagisa actually be telling the truth, or is this all a dream? I leaned more up, propping my back straight as I sat, becoming curious about the window.

And maybe my eyes deceived me but there was Nagisa's shadow of him sitting on the ledge on the hospital floor. Even though I could not physically see him, his shadow sat with his legs tucked in towards his chest, his arms wrapping around them.

I looked back down at my hand and the feather dematerialized and faded away like dust.