Karmagisa: No Longer Breathing

08

It's been two weeks since I've joined the therapy program at the hospital and I can honestly say that it's become a chore that I don't want any part in.

Because of my leg, the therapist along with one or two other patients in the program would come to my room and discuss mental health and ways to cope with it.
While I didn't have a say in the previous conversation about having therapy, I went along with it because Nagisa thought it would be a good opportunity towards the next step.

However, how can I come clean to them, spill out my darkest thoughts when I didn't want to. I've become selfish, these troubles are mine alone and I don't want others to help me when I'm the one who casted myself away into total blackness. But even I am a liar. I want someone to confront me, tell me I'm wrong and help me.

Like a roadblock, a red light that tells me not to advance further, I stay silent. No philosophical words or faiths from someone else will save me, if that were the case, my mom would have done so already.

"You look more drained than usual. Do you hate the treatment that much?" Nagisa asked from the window. "they're here to genuinely help you."

"It's annoying." I said touching my cheek. "I just want to be alone. I feel defenseless when they group up on me like that."

At least with the treatment they promised they would take off my restraints if I participated in these discussions.

"I know you don't like them but in order to get better you need someone to talk to other than me. You need to hear other voices and stories from those who are also struggling to find themselves." Nagisa made a pout as I didn't respond back.

"Then what's the difference between talking to them, medical professionals, and those who are also suffering, versus me?"

I glanced over and placed my hand back down. Hm, I wonder that myself. Well, it was never really a thought that I cared much to acknowledge. It just happened.

"You're my guardian angel aren't you?"
Nagisa slightly chuckled.

Whether I come to believe if he's actually the real deal, it's better than nothing. His black wings represent my chaos and in turn signifies me and my life.

"And if I wasn't? Just a strange boy who would always visit you." He wondered.

"I don't know." I answered, "you're piece of my thoughts that manifested into something tangible. For some reason, I don't mind telling you how I feel because I can't escape you. Literally."

I directed my eyes towards the sling, my leg elevated upwards towards the ceiling. If it's one person I am forced to trust in this battle, I don't mind it being Nagisa.

For me to talk to Nagisa like this, I have changed even if it was little. The built of trust between us is gradually becoming better. And there is a difference between the both of them and all I know is that I don't want to be treated as another patient with mental health issues.

"At least you're eating some of your meals now. It would be great if you could actually finish a plate." Nagisa sighed, "the nurse said you lost another two pounds. At this rate you'll become a skeleton."

"It's imminent isn't it? My leg still isn't good enough to put a lot of pressure on it for leg therapy. I'm always in bed and I've adopted the sluggish life." I agreed with him, "withering and rotting away like a flower."

"Poetic, but that thinking alone won't help you end your suffering any faster. Talk about being a pessimist." Nagisa sighed and scratched his back, "at this rate, these will never become white."

With a slight smirk, it disappeared within seconds, almost like my face muscles didn't agree with me. A yawn slipped out and I felt my eyelids growing heavier, like cinderblocks hanging from them.

"Are you going to sleep again?" Nagisa wondered, "you're such a sloth you know."

"Sometimes, it is just sleep." I replied, "But most of the time I'm awake even if I do close my eyes, my thoughts cannot rest."

"You have a habit of closing your eyes when you're tired and done, I've seen it. Not from actual physical exhaustion but when dealing with problems and people. Aren't you just running away just to wake up in pain again?" I heard Nagisa tap against the window, "what do you see when you when your eyes are shut?"

"I always see my dad." I replied looking over at him, "my parents that are always radiantly gleaming." I bit my lower lip and I felt a light touch on my shoulder. All Nagisa was doing was smiling for me.

Why did that kind of face move me? Why is it just him that makes me question everything?

"And what about you? Do you see yourself in those dreams?"

"Of course not." My voice trailed, "I don't belong beside them. Not after everything that had happened to them because of me."

"You think it will be better for them if you were gone? So you no longer care about those who want the best for you to fight this?"

Nagisa's voice yanked me out of the sleeping sea I was casually laying waste in. He slid off the ledge and stood next to me, not pleased at all.

"No. I don't care about anyone anymore." I tiresomely smiled, forcing myself to make it stay longer on my face.

He reached out suddenly and touched my cheeks, pinching them.

"Don't smile if you don't mean it." His eyes glistened sadly, "like I said before, if you trust me I can make you happier. So please don't lie about how you really feel in front me."

"Nothing gets past you." I grabbed his hand that was still pinching me and held it, "sorry, I say things and sometimes I don't know if it's actually me."

"Don't apologize. You're not to blame for your choices, you can't help it right? It's okay to feel these emotions that you've never faced before."

I released his hand and he caressed my face, the softness of his hands along my cheek and slightly touching my ear.

"I care about you Karma. Not as a mere human that I have to save in order to return to Heaven but something more abstract. Your life makes a difference to me so I'll stay by your side even after you get back on your feet. So for now, can you try to put up with the treatment, for me at least?"

I nodded my head and appreciated his support. This time, I felt my face muscles naturally smile and I didn't notice until Nagisa pointed it out, lightly giggling.

"Don't hide the real ones." He wrapped his arms around me whispering, "you're smiles are beautiful when you're full of light."