Karmagisa: No Longer Breathing

11

This is what I'm constantly feeling.
That I am entrapped in a cage I built for myself, along with the metal lock that fortifies my surrender to my life. I say that I am alone and no one cares, but it's far from the truth.

It's a cage with silver metal bars, those who cared would reach in, trying to save me. I am at the center of the cage and I don't want to move, no matter how many people try to help me. I continued to lay there hopelessly.

Even when they free me, breaking the lock, I refuse to go with them. I don't know why. I want to believe that I can trust them but parts of me tell me I'm weak. I don't deserve that kind of help, this is my isolation that I made for myself.

I want to accept myself, I want to move on from here, but I am bound. If I leave, I know that I will be back. This isn't a place that I visit every now and then, this cage was my home in my mind.
•••••
"You'll be leaving soon." Nagisa swung his legs as he sat in his usual place on the ledge of the window.

"Even so, I think that find myself here in the future." I sighed, hanging my head down, "it doesn't just disappear."

"Give yourself some credit." Nagisa grinned, "you've made huge accomplishments during these few months, even if you don't see them yourself. Just a few days ago and now, you've managed to eat everything on the plate."

"It was more of a force than anything." I replied, "my appetite is gradually coming back though."

"And last week you and your mother made up." He giggled, "it was a heartwarming sight, I'm happy you came clean about how you felt."

"She's always been a doting parent but I'm glad that I was able to face her properly." I agreed, "she's been the one losing the most and I added to her burdens-."

"There you go again." Nagisa groaned, "stop making yourself the problem. I know it's easier said than done but try to be optimistic. You matter too."

"I know." I responded while fighting the urge to dismiss it.

"And what about that job you earnestly tried to apply to? Will you reapply?" Nagisa sat on the bed and made it slightly move.

"I'm not sure. I don't know if I can handle that kind of responsibility anymore. It was a dream back then-."

"You won't know unless you try." He interrupted, "you said before that you ended up losing yourself because of your father's death. Take back what was originally yours Karma. Don't let this depression that's masking as a care-taker control what you really want to do."

"Little steps right?" I slightly smirked while nodding my head, "then I'll reapply."

"You'll regret it if you don't." Nagisa patted the bed, "don't sell yourself short. Back then, you would just ignore everything and anything that would help you recover. The fact that you're taking your own happiness into consideration is outstanding."

"Aren't you praising me too much?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Nagisa tilted his head.

"Never mind." I brushed it off, "but really, thank you for staying with me all this time. Believing in me all this time."

Nagisa scooter closer and held my hands, quietly caressing them.

"You may not know this but you've really saved me too." He started, keeping his eyes on me. "I wish I had someone there for me when I fell into utter darkness, I wish I had someone that I could talk to, to spill my thoughts that kept piling.

"Were you someone like me?" I was almost afraid to ask him about his past that he never really talked about.

"No. Not even close." He slightly chuckled and sighed, "you are a fighter. You get beaten down but you get back up. I on the other hand raised the white-flag even when I had potential and thus I became a empty shell."

"What happened to you Nagisa?" His hands squeezed mine tighter.

"Someone did the killing for me. With open arms, I waited for death and it came." He confessed, "the one who took everything from me, ended my life."

I didn't know what to say in regards to what he had just told me. Part of me believed it was a simple metaphor but it didn't look like it because his expression was filled with remorse.

I reached out and embraced Nagisa, he didn't hesitate to wrap his slender arms around me. Gradually, I began to understand my situation. There are people like me dealing with what I'm going through but in the grand schemes of things, there are those who put up a fight, and there are those who choose the easier way out.

And I was lucky enough to have people around me who gave me a purpose to live again before I made another mistake. Taking my own life.

"Why are you crying? I hope those tears aren't for me." Nagisa dug his face into my chest, muffling his voice.

"Because it's sad, it's sad that no one was there when you needed someone the most." I answered, "I'm sorry you were left alone."

"Karma, you're so kind." Nagisa inched back and wiped my eyes, "thank you for being with me now. I know that the past me would of been grateful to know that there was someone willing to hug me so passionately like this. Thank you."

The sun tapped through the windows and touched Nagisa's back. All of a sudden, there was floating lights filling the room, sparkling like fireflies in the night. I reached out to touch them but they faded by my touch and that's when I saw the shadow on the right side of the bed.

It was Nagisa's shadow, his wings growing out from his back, larger than before. I turned my head and saw the real thing for myself.
The feathers on the wings were coated by the light of the sun, silvery white, and glowing. His wings thrusted out and they continued to grow, arching upwards.

By now, the room was filled with feathers dancing in the air, refusing to touch the ground. I reached out and grabbed a small one that was about to land on my lap. Holding it, I saw Nagisa in the back.

There he was, a majestic angel that saved me from the dark tunnel, the cage, and my chaos. Even though he was fighting for salvation himself, he sat there silently.

Only smiling for me.