Karmagisa: No Longer Breathing

07

The next day, if it wasn't for Nagisa reminding me that Koro-sensei was visiting, I would of forgot. Essentially, I wasn't sure when he was going to come so it was difficult to prepare myself mentally.

I wonder if my mom told Koro-sensei about it. It's not like I would feel betrayed if she did, I just don't want to bring it up if that's the case.

This time, Nagisa sat criss-cross on the end of the bed rather than the window ledge he's used to. Without a word, he just sat there leaning side to side, humming his usual tune.

KNOCK, KNOCK

The doorknob twisted and the door opened. Irina the nurse, poked her head in and smiled.

"You have a visitor Karma." She said, inching back and opening the door wider for Koro-sensei who came in with a small bouquet of flowers and a balloon.

"Sorry, this may be too much for a visit but I couldn't help it." Koro-sensei lightly chuckled and placed them on the table along with the rest of the gifts.

"How are you doing Karma?" He asked.

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" I replied, "I'm fine, thank you."

"Cozy in here?" He took a seat in the chair next to the window and crossed his leg. He stared at the restraints in my hands and didn't say anything about them.

"Not complaining." I nodded my head and Nagisa frowned at me for some reason.

"You're horrible at keeping conversations." He whispered despite the fact that Koro-sensei couldn't hear him in the first place.

"You know, when I heard about what happened, I was shocked. I didn't think something like this would happen to someone like you." He spoke, holding both his hands in his lap.

"Anything can happen to anyone." I sighed, "this is proof isn't it?"

"It seems so." He agreed, "you know when I spoke with your mother, every time she mentioned your condition she would break into tears. Did you know that?"

And just like that, both her and I are putting up a strong front, lying on the outside to protect our own hearts and emotions on the inside.

"No. But I'm not surprised really." I answered.

"Karma, watch what you say." Nagisa wasn't pleased with how I was holding the conversation.

"Not surprising huh? You know, if your mother heard that I think she would be hurt." Koro-sensei scratched his head.

"I know." I diverted my gaze and stared out the window, "am I a terrible person to say that even if it does hurt my mom, I wouldn't feel anything?"

I care for my mom, that's what my heart is telling me. However, my clouding mind said otherwise. It's telling me to give up on emotions like that. Why does it matter? Aren't you exhausted? That's how it's been since the days have continued to pass by.

"Yes, it's does." Koro-sensei responded, "I may be just a high school teacher to you but you know well that I'm more than that. Can't you trust me with your thoughts? Maybe there's a reason why you're-."

"There's always a reason. And it's so simple. Why can't you guys understand that at least?" My voice cracked in frustration. "I'm just tired of feeling pain."

I want to kill my sadness.

I glanced over at Nagisa and he kept his head down, staring at the white sheets.
Wanting to rub my eyes in discontent, the shifting of my emotions made me uncomfortable, I closed my eyes.

"And in order to be free of that pain, you would be willing to end your life?" Koro-sensei's tone changed while I remained to keep my eyes shut.

"It's the only way isn't it? When I'm awake, I'm chained to these feelings, these thoughts. When I sleep, it's all nightmares even if the images of my parents exists as dreams. I don't want to see him, so why does my mind force me to remember? It's like I'm constantly drowning."

I felt my heart racing. Not for passionate reasons, but confusion, fright, and anger. My lungs felt like it was filling up water, expanding, growing heavier.

With a tight fist, I released it the second I realized I was pouring too much of my thoughts out in the open. When I decided to open my eyes again, Koro-sensei shared a similar expression my mom would.

You're all the same.

"Can you leave?"

"I don't think I can leave you alone like this." He refused, "you're mentally not healthy and I fear that it will only get worse from here if we don't-."

"Just leave, please. I won't ask again." I interrupted him, "thanks for coming but I don't want to talk anymore."

Koro-sensei stood up and with unease apologizing to me. I didn't say anything back as he said his goodbyes and left the room.

I let out a sigh as Nagisa plopped on his back on the bed. His gaze was glued to the ceiling when he started talking.

"If you keep pushing people away, you won't have anyone. No one will help save you from drowning."

"It's fine that way. I don't want people to get involved." I responded, "I'll drown alone."

"They're worried, they care about you. If you can't see that you're selfish." He criticized me.

"It's not that I can't see it, I know they care. I just don't want them to care." I tried to explain, "I liked it better in the past when they would just acknowledge how I felt and moved on."

"But it's different now. You want to die, not live." Nagisa rolled over on his stomach and stared at me. "They're two completely different things."

I lightly chuckled, my emotions brimming with restlessness.
"They seem the same to me."

Once I said that, Nagisa sat up, brought his hand leveled to my face and slapped me. Cries had escaped his eyes as he made sure not to divert his gaze.

"I hate when you talk like that! Why can't you get it? You say that you're drowning and hurting, but you don't want people to help you! Aren't you tired of not being able to breath? Aren't you tired of watching everyone else being able to breath?"

I could feel the sting that followed right after he had slapped me. Nagisa glared disappointingly and waited for my reply.

I'm being dragged in again.

"I'm scared to breath again. I don't want to know how it feels anymore. I don't know how to explain it myself, this feeling corrupting me. I cannot make you or anyone else understand."