Mute | Luke Hemmings &' Ashton Irwin (Lashton/5SOS)

Chapter 6

The next morning, I'm awoken by Eric tightening his grip around my waist a little roughly before yawning loudly into my ear obnoxiously, causing me to groan at his childish attempt to wake me.

"Don't wake me up. I swear I've never done anything to you to ever deserve this type of torture," I groan, turning in his hold and hiding under his arms. A foolish laugh escapes his mouth erupting around the room, causing me to smile widely at him.

Eric's always been an early bird, waking up at the crack of dawn all the time no matter what. So it honestly doesn't surprise me at all that he's up before the sun is on a Saturday morning.

"Ash, are you going to the party tonight?" he asks, placing his head on top of mine.

He doesn't really care about whether or not I'm going to the party I'm sure of it, but I give into it, shaking my head yes and ending the conversation lightly.

Eric's never been the type to let things go so simply without having a meaningfully deep conversation of understandment. I know he really wants to discuss my homosexuality further, but a part of me doesn't know if I'm even the slightest ounce of ready to discuss my feelings to someone comfortably.

I'm accustomed to people shunning me when my feelings are spoken aloud and the last thing I need is for my own roommate to shun me or even treat me as my parents did. Even the thought of that as a possibility makes my stomach churn in so much displeasure to the point where I want to fake sleep to avoid all possible type of conversation which I very much attempt.

"I know you aren't sleeping," he speaks lowly, as I groan opening my eyes to peek up at him. "You're a horrible actor. Please stick to football."

"Shut it," I laugh, "I know you want to talk about it, and I'm willing to talk about it, but only to a certain extent."

"I meant what I said yesterday. None of us will treat you any less if you are. I know we all joke around about it a lot, we're boys and you know the others are young and naive, but we all care for you," Eric says calmly, looking directly into my eyes as the morning sun finally begins to rise.

"I think I've convinced myself no one will ever accept me," I let out, slowly picking and choosing my words carefully. "I just, I don't know. You 9 boys are family and family means everything to me. I just don't want to jeopardize or compromise that or how you all treat, feel, and act around me."

Eric asks if that's what's going on in school and I nod, because it's the truth. Me being homosexual isn't even out yet to the school. My feelings for Luke aren't even confirmed publicly yet and I'm already being treated differently based off rumors. I don't like the concept and I don't appreciate it at all nor do I completely understand it.

Sure, I'm captain of the football team, and sure I happen to like boys unlike almost every male on the team and our entire school district, but I don't understand how that makes me any less of person. I don't understand how that makes me any less me and that's where all my fear radiates from, my insecurities.

My family compromised how they treated and surely anyone of these boys can once they found out and everyone at school can as well. I'm not ready to go through that pain again when I'm still trying to recover from all those years ago.

Explaining all this to Eric and then some was challenging, mainly because I think up my thoughts better than I can ever express them verbally to actual people.

But with a nod of understandment, I knew Eric understood my stuttered spoken explanation as to why I haven't told anyone, why I didn't plan to tell anyone. Maybe just maybe, somewhere down the line, I'll grow the confidence I need to come out verbally like Calum did, but that isn't today and that day won't be tomorrow, but it will be somewhere down the line in the near future. When I'm completely ready and not being forced to be outted by Michael's spoken threats hanging over my head.