My real irl friend came back to school a few weeks ago. School has been fine I guess. I'm always happy with him but school still sucks.
Remember the friend that was always on my back? Yeah, not on my back anymore. She just doesn't give one about me anymore. But... I also feel like she blames me...
Me and my real irl friend were getting closer. But gives-none was also making a lot of new friends that she got closer with as well. I didn't really see any problem with the way things were. I mean, it hurt like hell because she didn't even care about us anymore really. She never actually talks to us anymore so we end up walking off.
I talked to her about it a while ago. I didn't really start the conversation though...
So one of her new friends was crying after lunch just before we got in class. We had to go down to the ball so that's what we did. She said that she bets it was my real irl friend who made her cry. She asked what he did. I shrugged.
When we got home she asked him what he did and she asked me as well. We both shrugged it off. But she continued pressing.
I asked her why she had to blame her when there were other people around at the time she though that my real irl friend did something. She kept saying she wasn't coming anyone and was just going off of facts. The argument went on until she said that people change when they get to high school.
I told her that she changed as well... And not in a good way. She said she was glad that she changed because she made more friends and she's happier. I asked if she was okay with hurting the people she used to care most about, and she asked when she ever hurt anyone. That pissed me off.
I tell her that she hasn't changed in a good way so isn't it pretty damn obvious that her having changed had hurt people?
I told her a lot more and she ended up saying that she cares about my real irl friend. I asked if she had told him that. She hasn't. And he hasn't said it to her either according to her. I told her that she had to, otherwise her friendship would be at stake. But I'm not even sure just messaging someone about caring about them can fix it.
My real irl friend and her used to be best friends. She made a new friend. She started saying that he was the closest friend she'd ever made. She hasn't called my real irl friend her best friend in a long time.
She never talks unless she around her new friend. I've told her that even if it doesn't seem like it, when she talks about her interest I am listening, and I am. I don't know why I bother though because she never listens when I talk about my interests. I try the things that she wants me to try as soon as I have the time and can remember what she said to try. But it takes weeks of reminding and annoying her until she tries something I like. I don't care if she doesn't like what I like, just, if she's going to get me to try the things she likes, can't she did the same for me?
My anxiety has been getting worse as well. Heck, I nearly had a panic attack over a damn trip letter. I've been having to talk to this woman in school and apparently she's trying to help with my anxiety and how quiet I am, but going to see her makes me anxious itself.
My mum also thinks I'm autistic which, if I'm being honest, I both agree and disagree with at the same time. I have a little brother who's autistic and I'm nothing like him (you know what I mean when I say that). I struggle with communicating and getting words out but my anxiety plays a key part in that too. The fact that I struggle with communications is why I agree though.
But I hate when my brother jokes about it. I told him about this card I was given by that woman in case I didn't understand something in school and how I tried using it but the teacher didn't help me. But she just kept saying you, "Because you're autistic-" even when I tried to say something else.
Sometimes this weird things happens when my eyes fuzz over and I feel really faint and it's been happening for over a year but never as serious as recently. Usually it would last like two second and it would only fuzz over half way but recently it's been lasting for about 15 seconds and I wouldn't be able to see a thing. It's happened while I was in holiday and I kept walking in random directions and nearly bashed into a chair. My mum told me that I had went grey and that my lips were grey as well.
I feel like an absolute idiot compared to everyone else in all of my classes. Science, everyone is smarter. Maths, I got moved down a set because I was dumber than everyone else in the damn class. English, I can't even, even though the teacher said I'm doing fine I have my doubts that I can't explain. I try to make myself feel better about it by thinking of which people are probably on the same level as me but that doesn't help and I always end up comparing myself to my stupid brother. His smart as shit homophobic self that makes me feel bad about not being on the same level as him even though he's three fucking years older than me.
I went to the doctors yesterday (I was gonna put today but then I realized it was 2am-) because my toe has been hurting for the past month and I told my dad about it because he's pretty good with all the medical stuffs, and all you need to know is that I can't fit my foot in my shoe now.
So uh, I guess life has been pretty hectic? Also frick you english teacher you almost made me have a panic attack-
