UNdeserving(ATEEZ Fanfiction)

Part 5

SANS POV

- Hongjoong looked up at San- "I think its time you just..tell him directly"-he said with all honesty and goodwill
- "Shut the f**k up Hongjoong and stay out of this"
- "I don't know bro I just want to be there for yo-"
- San stood up abruptly, dropping the chair behind him in the process. He tightly clenched his fists to the point where he felt the scars on them from the fight with wooyoung start to tear open again
- "San..."- hongjoong called out with worry
- "I'll handle myself. I really can"- he told hongjoong, but it felt more like a form of reassurance for himself. He stalked out of the emergency room leaving hongjoong behind to shake his head.

~~.~~

- On his way home in the taxi, unwelcomed memories started flooding his head. Stupid f**ken memories that resurface almost once every day. Cause they scarred him. Like nothing ever has.

- It was a dark night. The darkest and deepest of all nights. Yet the lights and music were blaring from one of the frat's house parties. Red cups sloshed with drinks and couples were making out in every other f**ken corner. Except for him. F**ken San was sitting idly on the couch, staring into space with his red cup in hand. Except he wasn't staring into space- he had a lot in his mind. One thing, to be exact. And he was going to find it.
- He got up lazily, yet fueled with stupid determination. He avoided being pulled into a threesome and made his way upstairs, his footsteps heavy. Heavy as f**k.

- "Wooyoung..."- San slurred his name affectionately when he found him in the bathroom washing his hands. His neck displayed a faint lipstick mark which confused San because wooyoung never made out with random women.
- "Hey San my man, what's up with you"- he replied without looking up
- My man
- Those words made him shiver with disgust
- "Wooyoung..."- he repeated again. He felt he could repeat it the whole night till he got his point through
- Wooyoung eventually turned to face him. San felt his breath against his face. His eyes started to hover down to wooyoung's body- firm tight muscles that rippled under his shirt through every movement
- "I like that"- he said
- "Say what San?"
- F**k. He didnt realize he voiced his thoughts out loud.
- "I- f**k it" -San said
- He suddenly harshly grabbed wooyoung by the back of his neck and crashed his lips against his. Wooyoungs lips were hot against his as he molded himself into wooyoung. He pressed himself against wooyoung desperately, as if trying to piece himself together.
- He felt wooyoung trying to gasp for air- but he wouldnt let him. He grabbed his hands and pressed them unforgivingly against the sink counter- refusing to let him escape. Wooyoung's strangled gasps wouldn't end.
- He pressed his hands firmly against wooyoung's back and pulled him closer to him
- Suddenly, a fist slammed his jaw. F**k, he let his grasp loose to press wooyoung's back when he should've been holding his hands down instead. Rationality at its best.
- "WHAT THE F**K SAN!!?"- wooyoung raged. He f**ken raged. San has never seen him more red- no purple- in the face. And he was yelling. At him.
- "ARE YOU- IS THIS SOME F**KEN SICK JOKE-"
- But he didnt hear any of it. He didnt feel any of it. He just stared at his face. At the man he loved. But was not allowed to love. Or did not allow himself to love.
- So what did he do? He walked out. Just like he would on any other day. Always passing by his loved one to meet with another girl. Always trying to conceal his reality. Always, f**ken always.

~~.~~

- The cab came up to his place, halting his walk down to memory lane. He paid his fee and sluggishly left the cab to his apartment. It took him a couple tries to get the password in since his mind was still jumbled up with all that bullsh*t.
- As if to make things worse he walked in to find that girl. The girl he couldn't even f**ken remember the name to. The smell of her sweet perfume churned his stomach. The sight of her delicate frame made him want to vomit. Especially when she ran towards him with the amount of worry he couldn't seem to grasp for someone that just met him.
- As she worried over his "handsome face being wrecked with bruises" he finally shut her off
- "Get out"- when she didn't respond he exasperatedly repeated himself kindly
- "Get. The. F**k. Out"
- Once he finally heard her obnoxious heels stomp out of the house, he dropped himself to the sofa, landing on his phone. He grabbed it and skimmed over the numerous text messages and missed calls from y/n.
- F**k. She existed.
- Y/n was his...he doesn't even know. He met her that same night. The same night he was in search for a rooftop to jump off of after his "mistake" with wooyoung. She was there. She was always f**ken there ever since. And it was so sad. So f**ken sad.
- So he dated her. He thought that he could love y/n- love a girl- because of how much adoration she showed towards him. She was literally dripping with affection towards him at times, it scared him. She was different from other chicks, she wasn't looking for a one night stand, she loved him for HIM. Well, f**k she didn't even KNOW anything about HIM. He wasn't even f**ken straight for God's sake.
- So was it not the right thing to break up with her? He felt he shouldn't hurt her any longer because of her love for him was sincere, unlike his, so he broke it off with her. Obviously not in the best way, but in the end its the same thing.
- Why the f**k is everyone so twisted? He does not acknowledge his sexuality. Y/n does not acknowledge the one man that loves her. Wooyoung f**ken chases after the one girl that doesn't love him.
- Why do we all covet what we can't have?
- He wanted to break something. He always felt like breaking something. Whether it be someone's heart or an object. So that's what he did. He took the closest thing to him- a lamp- and threw it at the glass window.

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