Longing In Our Hearts

2

Adam had never stopped loving Hana.

His love for her was strong enough that it became lively again after only meeting her once. Honestly, I was very anxious after hearing that he met her but in a moment of silence, I was able to calm down knowing that she was married. Only to be crushed again with a new fact that she was no longer someone's wife.

Adam met her at a convenience shop across the road, opposite to the cafe he always went to for lunch. I could imagine he called out to her like he did to me. Seeing she was in the worst condition she had ever been, he was extremely worried. As it turned out, her husband had passed away due to a car accident a year ago and she independently lived on her own currently.

He told me everything from A-Z that it made me feel bad for feeling annoyed and terrible. Adam had lost contact with Hana a few months after she got married. Thinking she would be happy even without him, in his mind, he silently severed their ties to avoid doing anything bad to the married couple.

Hana's condition was sad, truthfully. She didn't have a family except her younger brother after her mother died due to heart attack and followed up by her father because of old age.  She didn't want to trouble her brother who was still studying and lived through hardships alone. Furthermore, she had a daughter who turned 4 this year. She was an admirable woman, if only she wasn't my husband's first unforgettable love.

By no means I blamed her for the awful feeling I was facing. If anything, I would blame myself for thinking I would be okay with the situation of my husband loving another woman than me. If I could, I wanted to blame Adam as well for not getting over her. But I couldn't. I couldn't bear to blame him and I knew very well that love wasn't something you can control.

Days passed by like usual. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. It had been two months since Adam met Hana and since then, they regularly kept in touch with each other. I didn't have a heart to stop him from doing that because they met as friends. The problem was Adam honestly. Adam was the one who loved her and not otherwise.

Moreover, Adam told me everything. When, where and how they met. I didn't think it was right for me to stop them as Adam hadn't kept it from me at all. And I myself who agreed to be with him although we both knew he was in love with the other person.

I was getting busier as I was given a chance for promotion if I did well in a new project I was entrusted to be in charge of. I wanted to do my best to improve our life and so that Adam will be proud of me. Adam and I still lived well like we used to. Only that I was getting busier with work and he was getting busier with Hana.

Hana was a single mother so it was hard on her to handle everything including to provide for her studying brother. Adam generously helped her in terms of money and energy since she wanted to open a business. Adam always said that it was even harder for Hana since she was a spoiled child when she was younger and she wasn't used to hardships. And I always retorted back, "And whose fault was that?" in my heart, of course.

I didn't know if Hana ever asked about me at Adam or not but sometimes I thought, why hadn't she stopped herself from meeting my husband if she knew he was married? Wasn't it too often even as friends? My stupid self couldn't bear to get mad at Adam and so I couldn't even ask him that.

My heart still hurt from time to time when I thought of Hana but I knew I should had prepared for this when I married Adam, so I was able to steel my heart. Sometimes, the pain was unbearable when Adam spent more time with Hana instead of me. There was one time when we supposedly went out together in the weekend to buy groceries and spend some qualities time together but it was cancelled as Adam went to help Hana as her daughter got sick and needed to stay in ward.

He couldn't bear to let Hana managed everything alone and he asked for my permission first. I was about to say no but when I thought of Hana's innocent daughter and how petty I would be because he wasn't going there for fun but it was related to a child's life instead, so I let him be.

That night, he asked for my forgiveness again and again and although I was in pain, it was actually even more painful for me to see him being so troubled because of me and even more painful for me to be reminded of what happened. It was never about Hana's child or Hana herself. It was really hurting me because of the fact he chose her instead of me.

But I just brushed it off with telling him, "You must treat me to a cup of coffee, then."

He laughed when he heard me saying that as it reminded both of us of our second meeting and we instantly made up. Sometimes I thought to myself that I was too soft on him. Because I was the one who loved more, so I gave in first. We rarely fought but if we fought, I would apologize first because it scared me more than him if anything happened to our relationship. I didn't actually know if it ever scared him though.

But still, it wasn't that he was a bad person at all. It wasn't that he was unwilling to apologize first, but rather, I would gave in first so that he would remember me as a 'forgiving woman'. It was a hypocritical act on my side to make him add another point in my good traits list but at the same time, it's because I couldn't stand a foul atmosphere surrounding us. It made me think negatively about everything. I guess we were back to the root problem which was me being scared of him leaving my pathetic self.

It was okay, I told myself. We were already married. Although since Hana started to make her appearance in our life, there were also some sweet days that made me feel like Hana was not an obstacle.

There was one time I got really stressed out due to my work. One night, I got home with tear-stained face and refused to eat anything. When I was tired, we often ate outside. The cooking job was left to me as Adam didn't know how to cook. He tried but he just didn't have talent in cooking. Hence, as I refused to eat outside and insisted on staying in my bedroom, he went downstairs.

I was struck with sadness as I wanted him to accompany me but as I was still crying, I didn't call him over. After a long while, he entered the bedroom with a tray of dishes which I didn't know consist of what exactly. The food was burned as black as charcoal. He looked at me and flashed me an embarrassed smile. While scratching his head with one hand, he laughed dumbly and invited me to eat. I was dumbfounded with his cooking skill that I forgot to continue crying.

I tried to eat the food but when I tried to swallow it, my throat can't handle the taste and I almost threw up. He became very anxious and shoved me a glass of water. Yes, shoved. I coughed out the water I yet to drink at him which drenched a small part of his shirt. We went silence for a while and as we found it funny, we had a good laugh over it. Later, we took a bath together and continued the intimate act in the bed.

It was moments of sweet and bitter but to get through the hard time, I usually thought of the good times and thought of the fact we had already married.

But sometimes, it just didn't work.