Longing In Our Hearts

5

It was the third day since the accident took place that I woke up from comatose.

My mom told me with tear stained face and my father was sitting weakly beside her. They were holding hands, lending strength to each other. Even after I woke up, when I saw that gesture of affection, the first thing that I thought of was, 'that's how I used to imagine Adam and I would be'.

I remembered what happened before the accident and how it actually could happen. I tried to kill myself.

Some time later, two policemen entered the room to tell me that the lorry driver was actually at fault for running a red light. The police assumed I was not in a really healty condition to think quickly to avoid the situation after they listened to my parent's explanation of my condition.

Little that all of them knew that I actually took advantage of the situation at that time.

My parents were the best parents in the world. They took care of me really well, always considered my mental and physical health before they talked or suggested on doing anything. Third day after I woke up and my condition was stabilized, my parents along with a doctor who was in charge of treating me, broke out a shocking news.

I didn't prepare for it and never would.

My child in my stomach did not survived the accident. When I clearly looked surprised, they knew I hadn't known that I was pregnant and they told me that I was 11 weeks pregnant before the accident. I hadn't suffered from any symptoms or nausea. Although my period hadn't came, I thought it was because of the stress I was going through and that's the reason I had never realized I was pregnant with his child.

Adam's child.

My parents comforted me the whole day after realising that I must be broken hearted to hear the news. I asked for some alone time after that to come terms with my feelings.

Am I sad? Yes. Am I still hoping for something? I think I am.

All the moments I had with Adam, sad and joy, rushing into my mind. Although I had my moment of realization after we officially divorced, this time, it seemed like the pain doubled. Any expectation for the future was immediately vanished. I never really thought of me being pregnant after the divorce but when I knew I was actually pregnant, I felt like the world was torturing me intentionally.

Contrary to my turbulence of feelings, my face was void of any expression. It was until a nurse came in to deliver food that I snapped out of my thoughts and suddenly, tears were gushing down from my eyes. That evening, I cried my heart out that the nurse was forced to accompany me and they called my parents to ensure I wouldn't do anything stupid.

My parents cried alongside me. My mom was hugging me tightly and my father was holding my hand with his trembling hand.

The next day, Elias came by. I was surprised by his appearance because I thought Adam would come too but Elias assured me that Adam didn't know about my condition. It was a coincidence that he knew about my accident. He said he was concerned about me that he tried to look for me at my office but my colleague said that I took a holiday for a week. He then went to my parents' house to look for me and was being told that I got into an accident and admitted to the hospital.

I wasn't surprised he knew my parents' house because he once came by with Adam before Adam and I got married.

Only now that I remembered that I indeed took a holiday and since the day of the accident, I suppose to go to work today. I almost laughed knowing I had somehow lost my rationality to not even think about my work that I cared so much before.

"You don't have to worry about work. I have told them about your accident. You'll just have to give the mc later." Elias said when he saw my expression took turn to the worse when I heard about work.

He sat on a chair and put a basket of fruit on a shelf by my bed. The look on his eyes was that of sympathy.

"I'm fine." I said. I turned my head to the side to look at the window.

"I wish so." Elias replied.

"Why are you looking for me?" The scenery outside the window was not interesting at all but I couldn't look at Elias' face because I still felt like crying.

"I am concern about my friend. I know you wouldn't be okay after knowing that news."

I turned my head to look at Elias' face. His face looked guilty and sad for some reason.

"How did you know that?" I asked almost aggressively.

"What do you mean how? Of course I knew."

My torrent of emotions became more unstable and my rationality went out of the window. My head was ringing again.

"How did you know I was pregnant? I haven't told anyone. Did my parents tell you that?"

Shock swept Elias' face. "What? You're pregnant?"

"You said I wouldn't be okay after knowing that news. What else did you mean?" The ringing inside my head was getting louder. My forehead was scrunched up to endure the pain.

"I-I didn't talk about that..." The guilt and sadness I saw earlier resurfaced on Elias' face.

"Then what were you talking about?" I somehow got a feeling that this was about Adam. My heart thumped loudly at that thought.

"I-"

Hesitation. What I guessed was right.

"Is this about Adam? What happened to him? Is he okay?" That's the only thing I can think of. Maybe Adam also got into an accident and he was in a bad condition.

"No." I could hear the reluctance in Elias' voice. "Adam, he... is getting married." Elias sighed.

At that moment, I couldn't hear anything else except Elias' voice. The guilt and sadness on Elias' face. I understood it all. I was struck with despair at the fact that I asked about Adam's wellbeing before anything else when Adam didn't care about me at all. Even at that moment, I didn't hate Adam at all.

In an instant, I felt like the world was spinning so fast, it was dizzying. The pain intensified and the ringing was getting louder and louder. The last thing I could hear was Elias shouting my name before I fainted.

In the midst of darkness, I saw the blinding smile that charmed and broke me all at the same time.

The hope was gone but the love stayed.