Longing In Our Hearts

4

The divorce process went better than I expected. We both gave our cooperation well and as both parties agreed to this, it only took a month and half for all to settle.

Adam didn't want to get divorced. He persuaded and apologized to me many times over and over again. Honestly, it was terribly difficult for me. It gave me irrecoverable pain and unstoppable nightmares. I was tempted to forgive him everytime he asked, but I guessed I've reached my limit. I knew I couldn't stand the idea of him meeting the mother-daughter pair anymore. Furthermore, he never said the words I wanted to hear - "I will change" or "I will stop meeting her".

I still remembered the words I uttered that ended his reluctance.

"There is no point of lying to ourselves anymore. You still love her and I think she loves you too. You both are meant to be together. I am just a passerby who had accidentally joined in your journey at one time. But at the end, we still have to go in our seperate ways to reach the right destination."

I remembered how I was feeling breathless when I continued. "I'm sorry for not keeping our promises. I can't stand the thought of you loving someone else and spending your time with her. I am weak, Adam. It is time for me to continue my journey. This is not my place."

For a while since the divorce process started, Adam was still greatly reluctant to divorce. But as the end of the procedure getting neared, I could sense the disparity between our feelings. While he seemed like he was feeling a bit sad and stressed out, I was overcome with depression and endless dejection. I was miserable.

Half a month had gone by, I had long moved to my parents' house while looking for a suitable house of my own. The house that I previously lived in with Adam was given to him. I refused to have the house even though he insisted as I couldn't live in a house which contained our uncountable memories. It was too much for me, I didn't want to suffer anymore. I wouldn't be able to move on if I stayed there.

He had deposited me some money which when I counted - because it was too much, was half of the house price. We did share our money to pay for the house so I guessed he was doing it out of self-righteousness and consideration for me. I didn't reject his kind thought and lived on with my new life.

Truthfully, I was having an extremely hard time moving on. I begun to suffer from insomnia, anxiety and depression. Every day since the divorce, I felt like an undead. I felt like I lived all the days just because I had to.

There were days that I felt like giving up. But I remembered my parents, how they would be sad sending off my body, how my mom would feel knowing a child she carried with difficulty and utmost care in her belly for 9 months died by killing herself for an unrequited love.

My father had enough when he saw a man who took his daughter away came to return her back. Although Adam returned me properly, my father couldn't stand the fact he had broken my heart along the way. He wouldn't be able to hold on if he had to send me away again, permanently.

One day at the company, I met Elias in the elevator. He was stunned to see me and guilt was written on his face. He greeted me and after a while of silence, he said, "I'm sorry."

I asked him, "Why are you sorry?"

"I was the one who tried to matchmake you both although I know he still loves someone else. I didn't know things would end up this way, I thought he would finally be able to move on when he married you."

It was painful for me to talk about him but because Elias was one of the friends who really concerned with me, I gathered all my courage to answer. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who insisted to marry even though I know he doesn't love me. I'm too stubborn for my own good." I flashed a forced smile at him.

"That day, if I didn't-"

"It's not your fault at all Eli. It just... happened. You and I can't control feelings."

As the elevator reached the 13th floor, I walked out. I knew Elias was concerned of me but it wasn't fair if Elias himself and I, put the blame on him. It was my mistakes and I guess, Adam's too. I didn't enjoy letting others indulged in unnecessary guilt.

Few weeks had passed and I was getting better at controlling my feelings. It was horrible whenever I thought that Adam was here in this building, that I could easily meet him, that our feelings might connect back. But thank God I still had my rationality. Thank God I was realistic about this.

I was convinced that I was getting better and I would move on from his shadow and my intense love from him. I was too convinced that fate thought it was fun if they proved me that I was wrong.

It was weekend. I was on a grocery shopping. I was in a good mood that day, I wasn't even reminded of the memory Adam and I shopped together. I entered the dry goods section when suddenly, I heard familiar masculine and deep voice I always longer to hear from my right. I reflexively turned my head to the right just to witness a sweet moment of a good-looking couple bickering joyfully about which stuff to pick.

Prolly because he sensed a gaze directed towards him, Adam lifted his head to meet my gaze. He was stupefied to see me. A moment of silence made the sweet-looking woman raised her head to look at Adam and following his gaze, the woman named Hana looked at me.

I was snapped out from whatever thoughts I had at that time and just picked the nearest thing infront of me, and walked away. Although I hadn't finished my shopping, I just walked to the counter and left the store as fast as I could. I needed to get home quickly because my anxiety started to attack my nerves.

I sensed my heart rate was increasing rapidly but I forced myself to drive as fast as possible. My vision started to become unclear and my thoughts jumbling together. Noises in my head kept growing louder, making head hurt with intense dizziness. I catched my breath repeatedly as I was getting breathless.

Because I knew I wasn't in condition to drive, I was about to park sideways when I saw a huge truck at the front and I heard honking sound from unidentified direction mixed up with the ringing noise from inside my head. It was messy. I somehow thought I had to do something to obtain the peace I've always wanted since that day so I let go of the brake pedal.

Before my vision darkened, my mind displayed a picture of a handsome and gentle looking guy in white tuxedo, with typical wedding music was playing in the background as he extended his warm hand while smiling sweetly at me.