Longing In Our Hearts

3

Adam got a new project.

As an architectural engineer, he was even busier than usual. We both were busy with our works and less time was spent together. When Adam had free time, he spent it with Hana. Well, more accurately, with Hana's daughter. Sometimes when he had time - or he forcefully freed up his time, he picked Hana's child up from school. I could say that he spent time with them even more than he did with me. Maybe because I was also busy that he didn't want to disturb me.

At night, as he always met them, he also habitually reported his daily activities to me. I was stressed out with work and to be informed with such things didn't really help me with my stress and overthinking habit I had developed since Hana. And truthfully, I held my anger down because I was getting sick to hear that he picked Hana's child up or he helped Hana with purchasing goods for her business or they ate lunch together as they had free time coincidentally together.

I was more annoyed when I thought of his tiredness everytime I asked to go out. It wasn't that he avoided to go out with me but I knew he was truly tired because his energy had been spent for Hana and his work.

I didn't know if this can be counted cheating or not. He told me everything, so it wasn't cheating, right?

One night before we went to sleep, I was hugging him on the side, feeling comfortable with his warmth. I suddenly bombarded him with questions.  "Have your love for me increased from the first day we got together?"

He replied firmly, "Of course." His hand was gently stroking my head.

I lifted my head to look at his face and asked again, "Do you really love me? I mean, currently?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I do." He replied with a confused smile.

I took a deep breath and asked for the last time. "Have you ever regretted marrying me?" because you can marry Hana if I weren't your wife - was the unspoken words I wouldn't want to say.

His hand that is gently stroking my head stopped. He appeared to be thinking for a while and then he replied, "No." A smile was still shown.

I wanted to believe it, I really wanted to. But such was the truth of the words, 'In your hesitation, I found my answer.'

I was his wife and most importantly, I was in love with him. I knew him better than anyone else. He didn't know how to lie. He couldn't. He never hesitated when answering. If he didn't know, he would say so.

And the fact that he lowered his gaze for a moment and raised it up again before he answered had proven his lie. He always did that when he felt guilty about something. Like when he felt guilty when my father asked him to love me with all his heart and to take care of me like my father did or when he felt guilty the day he cancelled our plan to go out to send Hana's daughter to the hospital. There were many times he did that, it was recognizable for someone who always observed him to notice the little gesture.

But I decided to push the matter aside. It's okay, I was the one who agreed to this despite knowing his love towards her. I didn't want our relationship to be destroyed by this matter. It's okay, I could handle this much.

Our condition became even more unbearable for me on the day I got promoted. It was also our anniversary day. As we usually didn't meet up at the company because of professionalism purposes unless for occasional lunches, I had planned to celebrate after work. He knew I got promoted and I was sure he remembered our anniversary day like he did last year, hence I didn't tell him anything about celebrating it. Anyways, we would meet at home, then we could just go out or anything.

We didn't get a chance to meet at lunch but my mood soared up for the whole day. I imagined the things we would do when we got back. Because this promotion was something that I really needed and he knew I worked extremely hard for it, I was certain he knew how meaningful this was for me. Plus, today was an important day for both of us.

Everything went well that day. It would had been a perfect day except that it didn't stay as it was. The day was gradually ruined as I got back home first and stayed alone in the quiet house, laying on the cold sofa while impatiently waiting for his arrival. I texted and called him for many times only to receive no responses and unanswered calls.

My eyes kept darting back from my phone to the front door, with high expectation of seeing his smiling face and tall figure. After a while of getting no responses at all, I figured that we wouldn't be eating out so I cooked a special dinner. The celebration was for me and us but the food being served on the table were all his favourites.

While preparing all this, I kept remembering his happy face and his praises for my cooking.

I might have spoiled him a bit too much, I thought while smiling. It was fine, he was my husband.

Really, the things people did for love.

I resumed the waiting. I thought, it might be tiring now, but it would be worthwhile. Even after a few hours had gone, I dispersed the negative thoughts and stayed loyal waiting with thick amount of hope. He might have an urgent matter to settle.

To calm down the restlessness in my heart, I switched on the television only that it ended up with the television watching me falling asleep on the sofa.

It was around 3 a.m when I woke up and he still l hadn't arrived home. He might got into accident or something. The negative thoughts of he going out with Hana was cleared and I immediately thought that he was in trouble. He had never done this before. Even when he went out with Hana, he would be back at most at 11 p.m. I was worried to death as he still didn't reply to my calls or texts until I heard the sound of his car.

I immediately ran out of the house to see him only to have my heart broken to pieces. He was holding a school bag. It was nothing for other people, but I knew what it meant. He spent his day with Hana and her daughter.

Heat rushed to my eyes and something hot flowed from it. I fluttered close my eyelids. My chest felt like it was tightening, and my throat hurt and burned like it was seizing up.

Adam hadn't noticed me yet as he was busy getting kids' things out of the car. When he saw me, he had a surprised look for a while and smiled. "Why aren't you sleeping yet?"

Despair filled my heart. Usually, hearing his tranquil voice made me feel sweetness that was out of this world. But, at this time, the very same calm voice sliced my heart over and over again.

My voice sounded cracked and shaking when it came out. "Where did you go?" Honestly, I had trouble talking because my heart suddenly felt so much pain it felt like it was about to stop beating for a moment.

He might be too tired to notice the irregularity in my voice or he would notice I was in the worst condition possible now. He lowered his gaze for a moment and lifted it up again. It happened so fast that only those who always observed him would see the little gesture and I had always seen it.

He walked towards me who was standing at the door and walked into the house while carrying the stuff. I followed after him with a heavy heart and silent tears. As he walked, he answered with a relaxed voice without looking at me.

"Ah, I picked Lily up from school and suddenly she asked me to go to the theme park. Hana almost finished working so we waited for her. We watched movies and went to the theme park before eating. That's why I got back a bit late today."

He stopped and turned his body around to look at me. "I'm sorry." When he saw tears flowing out of my eyes, he was stunned.

I couldn't stand it. The pain was terribly unbearable. I broke down without holding back at all in front of him for the first time. With a loud sobbing, I squeezed out a question. "What are you sorry for this time,  Adam?"

"I-"

"Are you apologizing for coming home late? Or is it because you were busy spending time, acting like a husband and a father while leaving your actual wife waiting alone at home? Or is it because you didn't remember today is an important day for me? For us? Or is it because you still didn't realize your real mistakes?

"Lara, I'm-"

A smile was drawn on my face despite a river of tears falling from my eyes. I felt hopeless and helpless and I sensed the world spinning, bringing me down to my knees. I shut my eyes tight, using every ounce of my strength, I looked up.

Ah, this is the end.

"Adam, let's get divorced."