Conflicted Eyes, Confusing Feelings | Complete

f o r t y - t h r e e

Fun fact: Xander is more of an introverted than extroverted, unlike Carlos and Carter, who are both flaming extroverts :3

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Each memory has a soundtrack of its own.

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Xander hated boredom. It was an emotion he hadn't encountered in a while.

Before, between his continuous attendance to the latest parties, doing drugs, having random flings and the endless pit of loathsome depression, the only other emotions he felt on a regular were anger, lust and numbness.

Until Sage, that was. The one person that stuck with him despite what an asshole he was.

Sitting up in bed, Xander aggressively ripped off his headphones and let out a sigh. The thoughts he'd managed to suppress at once came rushing back to him, crashing into his mind like a tsunami.

The thoughts moved from Vanessa to his red-haired best friend --whose calls he'd been ignoring since the infamous offer -- then promptly switching to a certain blond-haired person with oddly coloured greenish-brown gray eyes. Almost instantly, Xander's heart rate quickened — just a little — followed by that sickening sensation in his stomach he just couldn't place.

Dropping his face to his hands, Xander tightened his fist and cursed under his breath.

It wasn't that he had any issues thinking about Sage or the time they'd spent together, but Xander soon came to realize that whilst taking a shower, washing his hair, trying to eat something, in class, or doing just about doing anything, Sage would walk into his mind and completely hog all his capacity for logical thoughts. Even in his dreams, Sage would sometimes stroll in, adorably flashing one of his nervous smiles or endearing thumbs-up.

And what was up with that erratic thrum of nerves in Xander's stomach at those thoughts? It was a sickeningly horrid feeling he just couldn't place, one that was closely associated with the heat that would sometimes thread through his bloodstream; the heat of want. Albeit similar gnawing sensation of lust and arousal he'd usually feel just before having hooked up with a hot girl, Xander knew that feeling was different.

After thinking about it long and hard (despite how much he tried to avoid it), he realized that his want didn't only lie in him wanting to rip Sage's clothes off and taste every inch of his skin. No, Xander didn't even have to touch or kiss him. Simply looking at the boy or hearing Sage's soft voice was enough to bring Xander serenity.

Knowing that despite knowing his brokenness and many flaws and imperfections, Sage was looking out for him, Xander wanted to return the favour. He wanted to make Sage proud of him too.

Xander exhaled heavily, mildly ashamed at his own immature thoughts. What was he thinking?

And what bugged him even more was the fact that throughout the day, the thoughts were reoccurring, unyielding at even the most random moments. With the conflicted feelings intensifying day by day, Xander felt as though he was going crazy between dealing with them and his depression, self-destructive habits and mourning his mother.

Simply put, he couldn't get off his mind off Sage.

Frowning, Xander fell back against his bed and idly gazed up at the ceiling. As much as he wanted the thoughts to just vanish in thin air, he knew full well that they wouldn't. This was one thing getting high couldn't solve.