Conflicted Eyes, Confusing Feelings | Complete

Dear Xander Love

2 months later

Dear Xander Love,

I remember the first time I saw you.

It was my second week at Oak Ridge and my mom dropped me off at school. There were students everywhere talking, joking around with their friends, hugging and everything, while I stood there, alone and stuck in my head. I was super nervous, so  I tried tuning out my surroundings to 'function' better (you know how much I overthink ;-;) but then something caught my attention - it was you.

Well, not exactly. You were standing in the parking lot with your two friends, and one of them was yelling at Randall for rear-ending his car or something. Do you remember that day? You were smoking, too. I thought you guys were really cool, you know? Like the kind of boys that get everything: girls, popularity, money. I saw you after school too, (my friends at the time really, really liked you guys) and even then I thought you guys looked really scary, but then you looked at me and ... I don't know how to explain it. It's like something 'connected' within me, as crazy as that sounds.

"Future"

I wonder what that was all about?

I told myself that I wouldn't have any crushes ever again, but this time it was even worse because you were a guy. I told myself that it was weird and gross yet the feelings persisted.

In short, I crushed on you. Hard. 

This crush didn't last for only a week like I'd hoped O.O   

In fact, it became worse! I watched you from afar, I thought about you more, and I found myself listening to Brennan, Ava and Carly's gossips more, and suddenly it wasn't a crush anymore. I liked you, and that's just a simple way of putting my feelings. I didn't get it, so I told myself it was love at first sight, and I wanted to believe that. I just wanted to hug you and hold your hand, or just stand next to you for a bit. I wanted to kiss you so bad (eek).

For a while I really did believe that it was love at first sight.  Now I know that wasn't love; I saw you and crushed on you like everyone else. Maybe it was lust.

I remember the first time I saw you, Xander. Mom practically hauled me to your house to meet your dad and stepmom, and I got bored outside so I wandered inside. You caught me staring at the picture on the wall and you pushed me. I saw your arms. It was the day I knew you weren't perfect.

I wanted to know more but you pushed me away (multiple times, might I add. You were such a meanie). Now, writing this letter here alone in my room, it really brings back memories - the good, the bad. I remember when you punched me in the face after my diary was exposed. I remember when you asked me out for the first time. I remember that we went to the movies and you ditched me for that girl (I still have to beat you up for that!), I remember the first time we held hands, and I also remember the first time we kissed.

Or you kissed me, more accurately. I'd never done that kind of thing with anyone before, so I was scared I wouldn't know where to put my hands or act afterward, so freaked out after and ran away. It bugged me days after, so I talked to Randall. He told me to talk to you about it. You opened up to me and I was so happy to finally get to know you, the side of the Xander you never showed to anyone else. I cut your hair and you made me sit in your lap. I got embarrassed, you teased me (like you always do), and later you tried to kiss me ... again.😖