Troubled Thoughts of a Nobody

Gone

I have been sick for some time now. Ever since I was little I always knew that I was going to die. Sure I didn't feel like it was close, to six year old me i had all of the time in the world. Looking back on those times I wish that I could go back and tell her to not waste those precious years worrying about what others thought of her. To just be her and be happy because now, this me that's writing this, wishes that I could have those moments back. My heart is slowly deteriorating and I can try to prolong it for as long as I can but there will be a time when death finally comes to me and says, "You cannot stay here." As sad as I'll be to go, there is a part of me that will be thankful. There will be no more feelings of anxiety or paranoia. No more pain as if I'm getting stabbed repeatedly in the heart. Still, I have yet to find the person that I'm destined to spend my incredibly short life with. Not even one kiss has been stolen from me yet. No feelings of love or warmth from someone special. It may seem shallow ad selfish, but that's honestly all that I wish for before I go. I still have a couple of years left in me...maybe. I can feel it though, the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I see the symptoms. Shortness of breath, tachycardia, dizziness, the pain...it's all there more often than not now a days. I wonder what it will be like when I finally leave. Will people be sad? Will they mourn? Will there be those who say that they wished that they knew me better when they always had the opportunity to? I want to leave silently, like a ghost vanishing into a cloud of mist. Yet there is a part of me that wishes to leave behind a mark like no other seen to this world. A mark that says, "I told you that I was worth this life, even when I never truly believed it myself sometimes."