chasmic

manage

The nonsense keeps stacking up.

I swear, I know what's happening in my head doesn't make any sense. I know I should feel immeasurably more gratitude than I do. But I can't really remember what that's like. Not the gratitude part, the feeling, of something, of connection with other people, good or bad, literal or metamophorical, long-term or spontaneous bursts of soulmates meeting by chance in the eternal darkness of the night sky.

I'm looking for soulmates, I think that's what I need. But the problem is that I keep needing other people when I don't even have myself. In fact, most of the time, I really loathe myself, and I hate that too because I don't want to sound like your typical millennial, my-mom-should've-aborted-me, catcher-in-the-rye wannabe. In fact, I don't know if I want to be anything. I don't feel like a human sometimes, just a silent observer, maybe a bit of lice on the scalp of an unsuspecting bystander. I've delayed it long enough, but if I'm being completely honest–I don't want to get a job. I don't want to be some catalyst for change simply because I don't have the energy. It takes all of me to get out of the bed in the morning, and a little bit more than that to stay out. I'm so tired all the time but I sleep for 11 hours a day.

Are you tired of me complaining yet? I'm speaking to a wall, yes I know. I can't quite tell you how lucky you are to have the option to leave, to get away from me, to find someone else who can wash all that yucky negativity and cynicism off of you. I'm stuck with me, unfortunately, but I manage.

Often, human nature overpowers my self-wallowing, and I want for things that everyone else has already had but I've been too scared to take. Very inconvenient, those pesky feelings, those stupid urges.

(Imagine crying about not feeling human and then crying when you do. Yeah, that's me.)

I'm not a fan of feeling alone when I'm surrounded by people, of feeling left out and abandoned when I am actually alone for more than five minutes, of letting my insecurities, my self-doubt, and inadequacies rule my thoughts every second of every other day. I'm just really tired and I don't see an end.

Last night, I felt a pain in my chest again, and I thought to myself, 'what if I die like this? what if my heart just stops as I'm sleeping and I wake up dead?' isn't it crazy that I felt literal fear? I wanted to choose for myself because of my ego (I guess), I didn't want to go out peacefully. I wanted to go out invisibly, like how I walked the earth. Don't get me wrong, I was loud and angry and aggressive, and I laughed boisterously and cried ugly, and I sang in the shower and danced badly wherever I could get away with it. But I think people watched my show for a bit and then turned away. Forgot I was there. Sometimes a laugh would escape from their lips, and they would wonder why in surprise. Yeah, that would be me. I was born to make an imprint, whether you wanted me to or not. But I failed my higher calling, and I'm tired of apologizing for the disappointment.