Twice Again

I'm Not Lazy

Who decides what buildings look like?

Who chooses where the stairs go and how the floors are organized?

Most importantly, who decides not to put an elevator?

I'm not lazy.

My father needs to carry me up the stairs because somebody decided that elevators cost too much.

Who decided this? Is it here to humiliate me?

I can't imagine what it must be like for people who don't have anyone to carry them up the stairs.

My father says I'm lucky I'm so light. But we both know that's because of the atrophy.

Someday he'll be too tired.

And then what?

I wish I could walk up the stairs by myself, even if just once again.

I try not to be a burden.

My parents are getting older. How will I take care of them when all they do is take care of me?

I'm not lazy.

That's not what you're supposed to get from this.

You're supposed to come to understand that accessibility is a big issue.

That it's not fair I won't be able to go to this restaurant anymore because there's no elevator.

But that's not even the point.

I just wish I could walk.

I walked used to help but it doesn't anymore.

What's the point of having a leash when your dog is dead?

Exactly, there isn't a point.

Who decided that having a disability was grounds to charge them more?

That someone who needed medications to live had only two choices, to live in debt or die in debt?

I'm not lazy.

If I could go up the stairs myself, I would.

I used to.

I know I never will again.

Don't ever forget how fortunate you are. That you are able to go up the stairs and complain about how tired you are. That you are able to complain about there being no elevator, yet walk perfectly anywhere you want.

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Walking is such a weird concept. It just happens automatically.

Like, I'm telling myself that I should go to this restaurant.

So I just do.

Hold on, I do?

I do! My legs are doing their thing!

I'm walking up the stairs. Side by side with my sister and my parents.

Oh, she's tired? I can pick her up.

My parents can hold hands again!

We can leave my wheelchair at home because I don't need it anymore.

I'm walking up the stairs, something I haven't done in so long.

I feel my legs getting tired, but that's OK.

It's more than OK, it's wonderful.

It means I'm using them! I'm using them and they're getting stronger.

Maybe someday I'll be able to climb a mountain. Walk up the stairs to our apartment. Carry my parents up the stairs.

I've tripped. I'm falling. That's OK, we have reflexes that just do what they're supposed to do, the same way my legs just let me walk.

Wait, but I can't move. I'm not catching myself. I'm falling down the stairs.

Falling back into reality. A reality with ALS.

I can't walk. I can't go up the stairs. It just doesn't work.